Kaylan Plays Mass Effect: Ugh

Kaylan Plays Mass Effect: Part 1, Part 2, Part In-Between, Part 3

You know what’s super terrible? Bad houseguests. You can’t say it isn’t. If you have no idea what I mean, you are a lucky soul. And you know who is the worst houseguest? James Vega.

He’s fucking horrible.

He invites himself over through email, and you feel obligated to oblige ’cause he thinks you’re best friends with nicknames. “You look like a Lola… That’s your new name.” Weirdo. When he gets in your home he gets waaay too interested your partner’s genitalia and steps over many boundaries. After this super uncomfortable chat, he proceeds to take off his shirt and show you his jailhouse tattoo. Great. Thanks. Ugh. NO ONE ASKED YOU TO UNDRESS. ESPECIALLY AFTER YOU ASKED ABOUT MY TURIAN BOYFRIEND’S JUNK.

nekkid vega

no, dude

He says he’s going home. Once his shirt has returned. But it’s a lie. It’s a goddamn lie. That horrible houseguest is running through your home like a candy-cracked toddler and he’s in your home gym touching all your stuff.

Then the WORST is he heckles you into beating his pull-up record. Because. Of course. Ugh. Oh, that’s not so ba… Oh. 181 is… So 182… Of button pressing… A button press for every pull-up… Oh

Fuck you James Vega. Yeah, I beat your stupid bullshit record. But ugh why won’t you leave my house after. WHY DID I HAVE TO CALL A FRIEND OVER SO YOU WOULD FINALLY LEAVE.

James Vega: worst houseguest.

Hatoful Boyfriend: For More Than Just the Birds


Congratulations! You are the only human (and apparently only female) who gets to attend St. Pigeonation’s illustrious academy for sentient pigeons as its human ambassador. Here you will meet 9 eligible bird-bachelors just waiting for you to woo them and find your soul mate…or are they?

Hatoful Boyfriend is a short dating sim that starts out as a fun, fluffy little game. It’s quirky and doesn’t take itself too seriously, as you can tell by the fact it’s a dating sim wherein you romance PIGEONS. You play as Hiyoko Tosaka (name can be changed to protect her identity) who is a simple, warm-hearted, and unpretentious hunter-gatherer. Per the stereotypes of your average school dating sim, you are starting your first day of the new school year, and everyone you meet just happens to be a hot anime guy…ahem, I mean, bird. Sorry, I get confused because I opted to use the “powerful visualization model” so I got to see the human souls behind all the birds. Continue reading

It’s OK if You Don’t Play Games on Hard


I dated this guy once who refused to play video games on anything less than the hardest difficulty. He would play through the same part of the game over and over and over again (I’m talking 50+ times), getting increasingly frustrated. When it got to be too much, he would throw down his controller and stomp off in a huff, like the game had set out to destroy him, and it was working.

“Why don’t you change the difficulty?” I would ask. Back then, I insisted that I was fine just watching, when really I wanted him to go out somewhere for several hours and let me have the controller for once.

“Becaaaaause,” he would reply huffily, “I want an actual challenge.”

And so, I would continue watching this cycle for hours, waiting for the inevitable aneurism.

People play video games for a variety of reasons. Some people play because it’s a fun activity with friends or family members. Others just like to immerse themselves into a different world for a while. Some people like the challenge and the bragging rights of finishing. And others use video games to fight the stress of their own lives.

Your reason might be a combination of these things or something else entirely. And here’s the thing: All of those reasons are of equal importance. You’re a video game consumer. You paid money, and you get to have the experience you want with it. Playing at the highest challenge level isn’t right for everyone because not everybody is looking for a game to melt their eyeballs and make their brains explode. Some people just want to stare at a screen and do a thing and not have to think that hard. AND THAT’S FINE.

I play most games on Normal (when applicable) because, quite frankly, I want to see what’s next. I don’t enjoy performing the same challenges again and again WITH A FEW EXCEPTIONS.

This because I could ride around on the Spinner ALL DAY.

And that’s it. Never mind. I meant ONE EXCEPTION.

Full disclosure: I played Dragon Age Inquisition on the easiest setting because I wanted to know how it ended, and it wasn’t moving fast enough for me on Normal. Eventually, I might go back and turn up the difficulty level and enjoy a bigger challenge, but for now, I know how DAI ended, and I’m fine with myself.

Bottom line? There’s no shame in being all, “FUCK THIS SHIT” and giving yourself a break. This has been a public service announcement from years of therapy. <3

ugh, what are you, a traffic cop?

Kaylan’s Mass Effect Diary Part 3: Heartbreak and Dino-Man Love

Part 1, Part 2, Part In-Between


So what had happened was… I may have forgotten to update as I played Mass Effect because I never really stopped playing. I collected my crew, saved the Council from the geth, blew up Sovereign, and sacrificed space racist Ashley. All this accomplishment from my boyfriend’s perspective? “Is all you do in this game get in a car [the Mako] and get stuck on rocks?” (I’m a really good driver.)

ugh, what are you, a traffic cop?

ugh what are you, a traffic cop?

Continue reading

Mass Effect: Observations

Three isolated observations from Kaylan following the publication of Kaylan’s Mass Effect Diary: Part 2. (Start from the beginning here!)

These two Krogan are having the worst day ever.
They just discovered there are no fish in the Citadel lakes.
Left Krogans is so heartbroken and now he just wants a pet fish.
Right Krogans wishes we would quit talking about fish.

Mass Effect: where disagreements about fish are important.

photo (2)


Dear Thane,

Sorry I didn’t succeed in gaining your loyalty. (Because I zoned out and let your son kill that dude.) Sorry you died on the base with the creepy Reaper skeleton fetus. But thanks for helping all the rest of us live. Maybe now that you’re reunited with your wife you abandoned in death you can stop being so depressing. Sorry I didn’t visit you much in your life support area, you kept bringing me down like whoa. Rest now.

- Kaylan K. Shepard

sad thane


Dear Kaiden [sic],

Stop looking at me like that. You’re being creepy.

P.S. Garrus is better than you

- Kaylan K. Shepard

P.P.S. STAHP, srsly




Kaylan K. Shepard got excited and launched into Mass Effect 2 immediately. Look for the next chapter of her Mass Effect Diary later today.




Haha, so last week I was all, “THE TRIUMPHANT RETURN OF GAMERVESCENT!!” and then the very next day was more like, “hold that thought, I am so sick, please leave me to die in peace.” And since I also stopped drinking coffee last week (it made me feel even more dehydrated than I did to start with, which was, very), I spent a lot of time sleeping. A LOT. Kaylan texted me when she was suffering from a major bout of insomnia and had stayed up all night teaching herself iMovie to make me an insane/hilarious photo+song montage detailing the progression of her relationship with Kaidan Alenko throughout the Mass Effect trilogy. I responded from bed and  politely neglected to mention that I had just slept for approximately 15 hours straight and could easily go for more. (Say your goodbyes, everybody, I am SO ready for Uthenera.) Continue reading

Kaylan Plays Mass Effect Part 2: ELEVATORS ARE THE WORST

In the first chapter of Kaylan’s Mass Effect Journey, Kaylan found the map.

While playing through the first Mass Effect (I’m still in the Citadel, so not too far into it even if it’s been roughly 15 hours of game time) I have learned some things.

1) Remembering that you can command your group to run ahead of you is helpful even outside of combat. I learned this lesson after Garrus cornered me and refused to move for ten minutes. Luckily I remembered the charge forward command and happily continued on exploring.



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The Lusty Dalish Maid

Whaddup weirdos, I missed you!

Through the long, dark, mentally-weird dungeon of February, I played a lot of games and I read a lot of fanfic. And now, in the first light of March, I venture forth victoriously to deliver unto you this jewel I discovered in the course of my journey:

Some glorious genius wrote a pitch-perfect parody of Morrowind’s Lusty Argonian Maid transposed onto interactions between Solas and a Dalish Inquisitor in Dragon Age Inquisition.

“We shall make use of your deft hands, ma enansal.  Tend to my staff, it is in dire need of polishing.”

“Fenedhis, it must be made of Oak!  How would you have me bring it to a shine?”

“I am sure you will be able to improvise, da’len.”

I cannot stop laughing. Please bestow some kudos upon this masterwork to encourage the author to write more! These are the shining lights that sustain us throughout the bleak winter, friends.

Screenshot 2015-03-02 11.12.45

Travis Touchdown: Sartorial Role Model


I’m a fan of Suda51 and his crew at Grasshopper Manufacture. They make weird, crazy, unpolished, problematic games that are unlike anything else and I love them for it. I’ve mentioned before how Travis Touchdown from No More Heroes is not only a favorite videogame protagonist of mine, but also that I sort of base my clothing choices off of what he wears, which led one of the Gamervescent Overlords to tag that article with “Travis Touchdown: Sartorial Role Model.” I wake up laughing over that sometimes.

After going crazy with Bayonetta 2 and glasses porn, Jennifer asked me to write about Travis and fashion, so here I am. Continue reading

Kaylan Makes Time for Mass Effect

So I finally decided to take Bethany and Jenn’s advice and get all up in some Mass Effect. Using my super nice gift card from Uncle R and Aunt J the trilogy for 2$ and confused a gamestop employee when he asked if it was a gift for the boyfriend by saying “ hell no he is going to be so mad I’ll be ignoring him again for vidjeo games”. His response “uhm…wow… well… that’s new” than I pranced out of the store happily to share the news of my purchase with the ladies.

If you ever receive a yes with that many S-es (S-s?! I dunno) you’re doing something right. Just sayin’.

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games. life. occasional giddiness.