Smartphones and Handhelds

Are smartphones the next generation of handheld consoles? With BioShock being available in the iPhone app store and watching teens retro-play Pokémon with emulators, I can’t help but wonder. Screen obsession is everywhereespecially with mobile devicesand the internet has taken notice with its multiple “PSA” attemptsThis causes me to lean towards yes.

Most Americans own a smartphone. I’m pretty sure the last time I saw her, my nine-year-old cousin was sporting an iPhone. (I do know that she is the reason I now fully understand FaceTime.) Humans are already using their cellphones in place of other devices. I use my phone as my computer, alarm, egg timer, and calendar, to pay my bills, store my shopping list, and communicate with others, to name a few. With all of the gaming options now available on your mobile device, it’s not that far of a leap. Not everyone is behind this thought process, but it feels like that’s the direction we are headed.

Let me put you in a little scenario:

Say that the same game you want to buy for your handheld is also available in your phone’s app store? Are you more apt to lug that Vita, 3DS or whatever around town with you, OR easily purchase it on the device you are already going to carry?

I would more than likely choose the phone option. Actually, I know I would, because the day I discovered the Kindle app was the day my Kindle moved to the closet. My phone is wherever I am, more convenient; let’s face it, society, we like the easy way. One could argue that the controls aren’t the same. That’s a fair statement, but humans adapt. What do you think?

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From this vantage point, there really isn’t much difference, huh?

Photos courtesy expert beagle wrangler Chris Wilson.

I Did All of the Wii Fit Activities in a Row So I Could Tell You About It

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They haunt me with their dead fitness eyes.

I’ve spent the last month in the first stages of trying to get into shape. Not so I can be all smug about it like, “Look at me! I’m in shape! Behold this Facebook album I created just of photos of my abs.” I don’t think that being in shape will make me a better person. I support body positivity and believe in fitness at any size.

For me, it’s a personal choice based on my own physical and mental needs, as it should be, so help me Oprah.

But yesterday morning my gym was closed for Labor Day, and  it was disgusting outside. These are two important things to note because I am not the type who can just power through and take a morning walk/run outside when the humidity is over 80 percent. There is not enough fresh underwear in the universe to contain that kind of sweatiness. So, I decided instead to just stay indoors, safe from the Sweat Fairy, turn on the air conditioner, and play with my Wii Fit.

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Waiting.

Hiya, everybody! I’m unfortunately between games at the moment, waiting for the third day for Tales of Xilla 2 to download. Because! Someone’s boyfriend keeps being kind and considerate and turning off the PS3 when I’m not touching it. Not realizing in reality he is fucking up my world.

So let me take you back in time (again). I’ll make this easy for you: just pretend I described the most magical dream time traveling movie quality sequence and mosey on over to 1999.

You made it! Good Job!

See that sleepy-faced girl with the stupid neck tattoo necklace? You just time jumped to her.

See that sleepy-faced girl with the stupid neck tattoo necklace? You just time jumped to her.

Since 1993, there was one show this horribly dressed teen cared about: The X-Files. If you have no idea what show I’m referring to ….go binge watch until your eyes bleed. That’s the best advice I could ever give you. Basically, for six years Baby Kaylan had been just obsessing over this show. Like the characters, these people in my head, were my friends.

Then one day, my parents bring home the BEST THING EVER. The X-Files Game. It was a movie point-and-click adventure PC game that was going to rock my world. Even though the made-for-the-game character was not customizable and had his own backstory, I was totally going to pretend it was all about ME. I was going to single white female this little character and take over his life. Continue reading

BioShock Is Available for iOS!

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So, something awesome has happened. The original BioShock is now available on the App Store for $14.99. Widely considered one of the greatest first-person shooters of all time (and not just by me) BioShock is a beautifully designed and challenging masterpiece. Did I just say masterpiece? Yes, I did. It’s also gross and horrifying if that’s your thing.

So, if you aren’t into console or PC gaming and need a new challenge, here it is! If anybody has had a chance to check it out, do let me know. I’d love to know how it compares and if you can actually play it on an iPhone.

Favorite Fairies: The Great Fairy

Previous favorites: Agitha, Helena Harper

Great Fairy

I have been sitting here, staring at this picture, for a solid fifteen minutes, trying to come up with the right words to even begin to describe my feelings for the Great Fairy. I’ve intended to write a piece about the Great Fairy (c. Ocarina of Time) since the dawn of Gamervescent, but have shied away from doing so for all this time because I just don’t know if I’m capable of expressing it adequately in words.

My feelings about the Great Fairy are best expressed by a face I only make in response to truly amazing things. It looks like this:

SMILE

I made it once when I ran into a man dressed as El Mariachi at a Halloween party. I made it when I received a perfect girly-tailored version of the leather jacket Leon Scott Kennedy wears in Resident Evil 4 for Christmas. And when I think of the Great Fairy, well…

Imagine that face, plus this laugh, on a permanent loop, and that begins to approximate the feeling of glee that overwhelms me whenever I think about the Great Fairy.

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Lara Croft and Her Best Friend Bethany Get Into a Sexy Pillow Fight

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STOP OBJECTIFYING MY FRIEND.

When I posted my last fan fiction, the first thing several people asked me was if it was “erotic fan fiction.” A few of those people told me it wasn’t worth reading if it wasn’t “erotic.” Because the story of two best friends going on an adventure together is APPARENTLY not good enough for you sex maniacs. Sure, Lara Croft goes adventuring in a pair of tiny shorts and a tank top. Sure, she jumps into a pool of water and splashes around. And, yes, she does a lot of gymnastics that could be considered sexy if you think about it enough on a dark night while lying in bed alone. But that’s not what my Tomb Raider fan fiction is about. It’s about friendship and adventuring. So, don’t even ask again about whether or not things are going to get sexy between Lara Croft and her best friend, Bethany. They are friends and only friends. Period. Even at night when they’re alone in the jungle and there’s nobody else around and it’s hot and sweaty and stuff. Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, I can continue with my fan fiction. Try to keep it in your pants this time.

Here we go.

It was night. Lara Croft and her best friend, Bethany, were alone in the jungle. There was nobody else around, and it was hot and sweaty and stuff. They had spent the day adventuring. Well, really Lara Croft had done most of the adventuring. Bethany had done most of the tagging along, commenting on things, and providing sandwiches. But Lara Croft didn’t mind it that way. She was just glad to have a friend along for this trip. She got so lonely sometimes, and a woman has needs. You know…needs? Like someone to carry her extra gun belt so it didn’t get soggy in the jungle. Or someone to remind her to take her vitamins and drink plenty of water. And finally, Lara Croft needed someone to remind her that breaking things in ancient temples was unethical and maybe she should stop.

“UGH, I am so hot and sweaty,” Bethany remarked, taking her top off of her canteen and drinking several gulps of water. Some of the spilled water trickled down between her breasts of grilled chicken that she was preparing to put between two slices of bread for their dinner sandwiches.

“What do you mean?” Lara Croft queried.

“Oh, you know, ” said Bethany. “When it’s hot outside, and you sweat?”

Lara Croft just stared at her, confused.

“From glands?” Bethany continued.

Lara Croft blinked quizzically.

“Sweat…glands?” said Bethany.

“Is it some kind of ancient Roman cleansing ritual?” Lara Croft asked.

Bethany sighed. “I think I’ll go to tent,” she said.

But Lara Croft hadn’t brought a tent.

“Where do you sleep then?” Bethany asked.

“Sleep?” murmured Lara Croft. “Is that what you call it when you get  knocked unconscious by your enemies?”

“No…” Bethany replied, looking at her friend with one eyebrow arched. “Wait. Does that happen to you a lot?”

“Every day?” said Lara Croft. “Or maybe every other day. I can’t remember.” She then sagged to one side, went cross-eyed, and started drooling.

Bethany sat down next to her friend and put her arm around her, in a friendly but not sexual manner. It was more of a “holding the other person up” embrace.

Lara Croft turned her face upward to gaze at her friend and licked her lips.

“I’m a woman, and I have needs,” said Lara Croft, looking her friend up and down, her heart pounding. There was something she had been trying to say for months, but could never find the words.

“So do I,” said Bethany, returning her gaze.

“I want to tell you something,” said Lara Croft. “It’s really personal. I feel very vulnerable right now.”

“Tell me,” Bethany whispered.

They moved closer and closer together as the light from the fire danced upon their faces.

“I think I need a CT-scan,” said Lara Croft at last.

“I know,” Bethany replied. “At first light, I’ll hike back to the helicopter and call for rescue.”

“I love you,” said Lara Croft.

“I love you too,” said Bethany.

Later they had a pillow fight, but it was only because Lara Croft’s brain damage had her convinced she was at a birthday party for a girl who was turning eight.

Mushroom Demons

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Pretty much the only games I’ve played in 2014 are from two particular series: for the first half of the year I’ve been hacking through From Software’s much-acclaimed Souls series. I played through Demon’s Souls again, went straight into Dark Souls and played through it TWICE, then got my hands on Dark Souls II and slogged my way through it, slowly and painfully. Around that time, I also got a Wii U, and have been playing Mario games almost exclusively on it: Mario Galaxy 2, Super Mario World, 3D World, and I most recently acquired Super Mario Bros 2.

I made a remark on Twitter as I was banging my head against the wall, trapped in the Forest of Illusion in Super Mario World, that I’d died more times in that godforsaken place than I had in 60+ hours of playtime in Dark Souls II. Then something occurred to me: there are a LOT of similarities between the Souls series and Super Mario games. Continue reading

I Stalked My Crush on Ultima Online

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If you squint you can see Kaylan’s crush in this image.

Gather round, kiddos, and let me tell you a tale! A story of not so epic proportions.

Long, long ago in the early 2000s in A Good Place to Live was a teenage girl. She was hyper, talkative, and unfiltered, and she was in love.  Everyone knew it. It was pretty much the only thing she could ever really focus on. Even strangers knew her affections. Around this same time frame, another talkative teenage girl would hear her exclaim “HE’S SO HOT” at a soccer game. Unbeknownst to them they were the actual soulmates…but that’s another story And. It. Is. Epic. I know… I know… I KNOW. I can hear you whining “Ughhh, Kaylan, what does this have ANYTHING to do with vidjeo gamez?!”  Well, if you would have been patient you would have soon found out that this puppy love, teenage bliss (Okay, lets face it, OBSESSION) is how Kaylan Christine Kennedy ended up playing her only MMO (Ed. Massively multiplayer online games). (I sincerely hope I am using that term right. I’m not the best with this vernacular since I really am not a fan.)

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