“What the cocks?!”

“She isn’t weak, but she isn’t a trained operative, a killer to the core, or experienced in violence. When something disgusting and shocking happens, Moira shouts, “What the C**K is going on?” Like a teenager trying to discover what makes her cool, Moira’s awkward profanity points to the kind of person she is. Moira is afraid, young, and immature. If she doesn’t grow up, she’s going to die.”


I am already in love with Resident Evil Revelations 2’s Moira Burton.

Also! The Resident Evil series has given us a lot of fantastic lady characters over the years, but (I think!) this is the first time we’ll see a RE title featuring two women protagonists minus any heroic dudely presence at all. “A few years ago, I don’t know that it would have turned out this way,” [Producer Michiteru Okabe] said, “that we’d have a game with two female leads.” How badass is that?? Eat a sloppy fuck-bucket of moist cocks, haters.

The Music Just Turns Me On

In case you’re not aware, the greatest Dreamcast game ever, Jet Set Radio, is available on the PSN, Xbox Live Arcade, and Steam. Since last year, I think, but I’m slow and stupid and didn’t get around to grabbing it until this past weekend while in a nostalgic fit.

There’s nothing else like this game. It wasn’t the first game to use cel-shaded graphics (I believe that distinction goes to the Fear Effect games on the Playstation?), but it popularized the style. This is one gorgeous game, and I want to say it’s like a living, breathing comic book, but no comic I’ve seen has EVER looked like this. Maybe if you crossed Brandon Graham’s King City with Kristian Donaldson’s art on Supermarket you’d get close, but this is a videogame site, so I’ll shut up about that. I’ve been trying for YEARS to do art similar to what Jet Set Radio does, and I still haven’t cracked it.

Continue reading

Shepard Standing Too Close to People: A Study

One of the things I enjoy most about video games is making the characters do awkward things and recording it terribly on my camera phone. This is the latest, from Mass Effect 3.

shepard close 1

What are you guys talking about? Anything good?

shepard close 2

Can I have a turn next? Do I get a turn? I’m next.

shepard close 3

What’s going on out there? Some kind of sports competition?

shepard close 4

(whispers) Your butt is hanging out of those pants. Did you know?

shepard close 5

Are you going to be off the phone soon?

shepard close 6

Is that Randy? Tell him I said hi………………………….Did you tell him?

Kaylan’s Great Microsoft Paint Experiment


Look! It’s snowing on Jenn.

A quick note from Bethany:

I jokingly told Kaylan that I was putting her in charge of all Photoshop work on Gamervescent because there is nothing I love more than bad Microsoft Paint jobs. As you can see here. These arrived in our inboxes this morning, and they made is both so happy.


Bethany takes a mid-day stroll.


Kaylan rides a Chocobo.

Kaylan brings the Microsoft Pain and generally excels at life every day.

Here I Sit, Contemplating Buying a Wii U

so sad

Forever alone.

I bought my Wii in 2009. Since then, it has been a loyal companion. It didn’t get all butt hurt when I bought an Xbox 360 three years later and slowly began to ignore it. It doesn’t mind that I really only use it now for the Wii Fit or the rare Skyward Sword revisit.

Now, I’m considering buying a Wii U and phasing it out altogether because Hyrule Warriors has arrived, and despite its medium shitty reviews, I REALLY WANT TO PLAY IT. There can be only one, Wii, and unfortunately, it is you who will have to go.  (Just to a box, probably in storage, but it sounds more dramatic to make it sound like I’m sending it out on an ice floe, never to return.)

But it is a bit hard to let go.

Video games hold memories for many people. My Wii holds the memory of the first time I decided “FUCK THIS SHIT. I WANT TO PLAY GAMES.”

This is where the scene dissolves into a heartwarming montage from my memories, so brace yourselves.

At the end of 2009, I decided to buy a Wii because I was still dealing with the emotional fallout of a total jerkwad dumping me. He was the kind of jerkwad who tells you that he likes you and goes out on several fun dates with you and then MYSTERIOUSLY DISAPPEARS. But it wasn’t the kind of disappearance you get over after a few weeks and move on. No. This jerkwad reappeared a few weeks later to apologize and insist that he really did like me but just needed time to adjust to the idea of someone new. He did this magic act several times. When he did reappear, every time the disappearance was my fault. I’d pushed him too hard, and he got scared. One time he broke up with me and then invited me to meet his parents the same day. In that order.  I was completely befuddled.

Finally, after about six months of this, I was trying to get up the nerve to tell him to shove his hot and cold act right up his ass when, out of the blue, he broke up with me and insisted he was serious this time. I was more angry at the fact that I didn’t get to be the one to break up with him. I had it all planned out in my head and was probably planning to quote Love, Actually or something.

Months passed. “Friends” who were “breakup experts” kept telling me that I was due to get over it any time and just needed to “move on.” (I’m dead serious about all those quotation marks.) But I couldn’t let it go. I was mad. I was hurt. I was disappointed. I wanted to chop something repeatedly with a big sword.

So, I decided to buy a Wii. It was the first time I spent actual money on a gaming console and didn’t just inherit it or buy a used one from Ebay. I marched right into a Best Buy after work one day and picked up all the accoutrement and carried it on the subway and then the half-mile walk home. It was raining. I didn’t care. I had my Wii.

I plugged it in as soon as I got home. Boxes and other assorted packing material were strewn all over my living room. At some point many hours later, I was playing Super Mario Galaxy and realized I had forgotten to eat dinner. It seemed I had finally found the cure for my inner turmoil.

Now that I’m mostly well adjusted and in a much happier relationship, it will be interesting to look back on my Wii U memories five or ten years from now when they come out with the next gen console and I insist on buying it. Will it be called the Wii U2? Or perhaps the Wiiii? I guess we’ll see when that time comes.

La Abuela Jugona, Kat Haché

We’re excited to announce a new series, Gamervescent Español, and introduce Laura Collado, who will be translating some of Gamervescent’s original English articles for Spanish speakers to enjoy! Click on the tag “Gamervescent Español” or Laura’s contributor tag to see the complete list of Spanish translations available on Gamervescent; click the title link below to view the original post. Laura Collado is EN/DE>ES translator who fell in love with video games the day she played Final Fantasy for the first time. She can’t wait for the Majora’s Mask remake, and to collect new pets in World of Warcraft.

Estamos encantados de anunciar una nueva serie, Gamervescent Español, y de presentar a Laura Collado, que traducirá algunos artículos originales de Gamervescent del inglés para que también puedan disfrutarlos los hispanohablantes. Haz clic en la etiqueta «Gamervecent Español» para ver la lista completa de las traducciones de Gamervescent disponibles en español.


Gaming with Granny by Kat Haché, Traducción: Laura Collado

Mario Tennis

Continue reading

Tales of…Long Term Betrayal


Do not get me wrong. The Tales series is my favorite. Like I get super giddy anytime a title is announced to be distributed worldwide. (BTW THE 20TH ANNIVERSARY TALES OF ZESTIRIA IS COMING STATESIDE!)

That said, there have been plenty of moments in which I have been hurt by this love. *cough* Debt System *cough* The following are a few times the Tales series has left me feeling well…betrayed. Continue reading

Waxin’ Off


Geometry Wars Evolved^2 and I have historically had a passionate, tumultuous relationship involving more than a few fits, starts, and rage quits. It’s one of those games that I really wanted to enjoy, because it has great music and pretty colors and exploding things—all the stuff that attracts me to a game—but every time I picked up a controller to try it, I was immediately, unequivocally reminded that I am TERRIBLE at it. Really bad, no good. And almost every time I decided to try it, I did so in a crowded room full of people who witnessed my failure, then had to hand off the controller to someone else who was way better and took FOREVER to die and then by the time I finally got a chance again, I got blown up in about half a second and had to pass it back. Not much chance to get better that way, so I always stomped off to get another beer and pout instead. But no longer! And it’s all because I discovered a particular achievement you can earn in the Pacifism game:

WAX OFF. Continue reading

games. life. occasional giddiness.