All posts by Bethany

Dragon Age Inquisition Is So Gay Friendly That IT’S ALIENATING STRAIGHT PEOPLE

lemongrab

STOP THE PRESSES.

I was going through the comments on Gamervescent, as I tend to do on a Monday night, and deleting all the ones offering me great deals on “fendi peekaboo” or “parajumpers sale.” And I came across one comment on our recent post about Dragon Age Inquisition hairstyles. This comment told me some things. BIG THINGS. Things I’d never thought about before.

Continue reading

Top Ten Insults to Use on Link

Legend_of_Zelda-The_Wind_Waker_(GC)_13

#HURTFEELINGS

 

I get very shouty when I play Zelda games. Probably because, let’s face it, Link is a frustrating guy. Especially when he jumps weird and falls into a chasm or blows himself up LIKE A COMPLETE IDIOT. So here’s my list of insults to use when Link is being a bonehead. Shout them at your discretion.

1. Wind Wanker

2. Link to My Ass

3. Ocarina of the Time I Said OMG NO GRAB THE BLOCK NOT CLIMB ON TOP OF IT

4. Dork Link

5. Majora’s CAN’T YOU RUN ANY [MASK]ER?

6. What are you doing? WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

7. NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO

8. I guess SOMEBODY likes being on fire

9. Fine. I’m saving it here so that you can be on fire until I decide to come back NEXT WEEK. See how you like that.

10. Skyward S-word

Video Games for Game-Reluctant People

Everybody has at least one of those friends who, when approached with the idea of playing video games, responds with a hearty, “But I’m terrible at video games!” Two people said that to me this week. And I won’t stand for it, I tell you. Won’t stand for it!

I know how this happens. You’re a pre-teen. You go to a friend’s house to play video games. Within the first ten seconds of Super Mario Bros., you walk off a cliff or run face-first into a Goomba. Somebody laughs and takes the controller from you like you’re a total idiot, and suddenly you feel insecure. “I guess I’m just no good,” you say.

Continue reading

OMG OMG Nug Alert (AKA The Best Thing Ever)

Nug

Nugs, not drugs. (Or nugs AND drugs. Just be careful.)

SPOILER. Don’t look at the images below if you don’t want your face to explode from the cutest thing that ever happened in Thedas.

I’m warning you.

I’m serious.

Hold on to your face.

Here goes.

I PRESENT TO YOU BATTLE NUG.

He’s a nug. With a saddle. You can ride him.

battle nug

Look at his face.

I SAID LOOK AT IT.

battle nug front

Dragon Age Inquisition Is Just Cheese and Skeletons

I went looking around the Internet today to see if anyone else wanted to talk about how in Thedas everyone just walks around on skeletons like it ain’t no thang. I mean, characters have entire conversations in rooms with PILES of corpses in them. Can you not take that conversation next door where there aren’t any dead bodies? There’s a man who literally burned to death RIGHT THERE. His mouth is open. Did you not notice? OK.

It was during this search that I happened upon this important article about cheese and the tragic end of one individual.

Going farther into the wormhole I’ve opened, did you know that if you Google “skeleton Thedas,” you’ll get a bunch of pictures of silent film star Theda Bara and skeletons? You will. I’ll be back tomorrow with more thoughts on Dragon Age Inquisition, which has basically become my life.

theda skeleton

Today We Give Thanks

ocarina party

Bethany is thankful for:

 

Brett is thankful for:

  • Nintendo – I bought a Wii U in March. A month or so later, so did one of my best friends. Then our other best friend bought one when he came in from Korea for the summer. We reunited with an old friend from school last weekend, crammed into my room, playing Smash Bros and Mario Kart while reminiscing. I haven’t really gotten excited for games in a long time, only buying one or two things a year for a while now, but the Wii U really reinvigorated me, and I’m so happy that my closest friends own one too so that we can all play and laugh with one another, even if one of us is currently in another country. And if we aren’t playing together, we’re usually sending obscene messages to each other in the Miiverse. Nothing says friendship like crudely drawn penises, right?
  • Anita Sarkeesian – For making awesome feminist video critiques. Also, thanks to loudmouths who hate her for making it very clear to me that I should avoid you. It’s good to know up-front you’re an asshole that I shouldn’t bother with, saves me so much time and energy.
  • Bethany and Jennifer – For being totally cool with letting an idiot like me contribute to such a great gaming site with my inane rambling! [Eds. Note: Awww! ♥♥]

 

Hannah (who is currently in Korea visiting family) is thankful for:

  • Portable games, such as Nintendo 3DS series and mobile games. My airline and train travels are not boring anymore!

 

Jennifer is thankful for:

  • Bethany Bryan and her twisted amazing hilarious brain and her beautiful bottomless heart. Y’all know Bethany is the reason this website still exists, right? When I grew too weary of shouldering the burden on my own and nearly abandoned it, Bethany trekked out to find G-vesc and me lying lost and almost dead in the wasteland and carried us back out again (true story!!). If you enjoy reading Gamervescent, you should send her a card, or at least a Facebook wall post of naked Alistair. [Bethany Note: This seriously made me a little teary. You’re too much.]
  • …and the rest of these jokers who contributed to this post and contribute regularly to this site. Luv u guysss, you are the best people who exist, seriously.
  • And also the best person who does not (yet!) contribute to this site, my wonderful friend who works at GameStop and made sure my guy and I got a Deluxe Edition of Dragon Age Inquisition even though we didn’t pre-order it. That’s love, man.
  • The vastly improved make-out physics in Dragon Age Inquisition’s romance cutscenes in comparison to those of previous DA games, dang!
  • Troy Baker’s vocal cords.
  • Admiral David Anderson’s never not hilarious workout plan.
  • Jake Muller’s henley.
  • Geometry Wars.
  • The Riot Gun.
  • Ghost Grant Collier, who watches over us all.
  • Photoshop, god bless it.

 

Joe is thankful for:

  • blocks that spit out mushrooms
  • the Tanooki Suit
  • bananas
  • barrels
  • Lon Lon Milk
  • Adam Jensen’s dialogue in Deus Ex
  • Dagoth Ur and the Sixth House
  • that there are two Warthogs accessible in the beach level of Halo: Combat Evolved
  • the eternal challenge of Trials HD
  • the wrench of BioShock
  • the combat tonics that improve wrench combat in BioShock
  • the way Mario does flip jumps in the Tanooki Suit if you get a star

 

Justin is thankful for:

  • that my birthday is so close to Thanksgiving I get a new game EVERY TIME
  • [relevant to the above:] Bizarre Creations’ newest Geometry Wars 3!!! I LOVED the first two in the series and now in 3D? Let’s do this!
  • Light bridges. When traveling becomes a bore, run across a bridge of pure light and try to complain – can’t. lightbridge
  • Yoshi plush toys. Because… this: yoshis
  • Dragon Age Inquisition’s in-depth character creation! I have never been able to make a believable Asian character until the new DA came along with its healthy number of toggles and swatches! Yeah, Haeinous has whitish-blue hair and more face tats in DA than she does in real life, but still. THIS IS AMAZING! IMG_1350

 

Kaylan is thankful for:

  • My boyfriend being patient with me whenever a new game I am super into is released.
  • My poppa bear always asking what games I’m into now (even though I know he has no idea what I am talking about).
  • That my friends understand how angry I get with multiplayer gaming and don’t bother me to join them.
  • Those who keep creating amazing flash games that have deeper meaning and challenge my thinking.
  • I am thankful for Gamervescent allowing me to geek out all over the place, as well as learning more about my friends and what gaming means to them. So thank you, loves! [Eds.: Awww, again! ♥♥♥]
  • Happy Turkey Day!

 

Laura is thankful for:

  • Cooperative games, because I love playing with my friends. My favourite evening is a Mario Party evening.
  • Having enought money to play World of Warcraft every month. It is such a great game.
  • I am thankful for the new versions of old games. Especially the Legend of Zelda games! Does anyone really have enough space for all the old consoles and the old games?
  • The rainy days. They are the perfect excuse for a gaming day. We don’t have many of those in Madrid, so that makes it much more special.
  • I am thankful for portable consoles. I used to have a Game Boy and it was huge, heavy, and the battery was shitty, so I couldn’t really play outside with it for a long time. Now I travel a lot and the Nintendo 3DS is perfect even for a 6-hour trip.
  • Finally, I am so thankful for those who make walkthroughs of difficult games and share them online. You guys are heroes.

 

And we are ALL thankful for you wonderful weirdos who visit this site! Have a great Thanksgiving, dudes.