All posts by Bethany

Video Games I Wish Existed

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If I knew this would come up when I googled Jane Eyre, I would have googled it a long time ago.

Every day I think to myself, “This would be a fun video game. But one that only I would find fun.” Because I am disgusting and have weird tastes in fun. Here are some games I really wish existed.

1. Masterpiece Theatre Presents: Crazy Attic Wife Shootout-  An action-packed video game about the best character from Jane Eyre. Get her before she burns down the mansion!

2. Cut and Run- A stealth video game about moving out of your apartment in the middle of the night to avoid paying next month’s rent.

3. Super Smash Executives- The guys from your accounting firm go head to head in this battle game.

4.  8 Glasses – In this mobile game, you must check in with your character all day and give him a glass of water. But be careful! If you give him too much, he will wet himself, causing water damage to your phone. If you give him too little, he’ll get kidney stones and you’ll have to marry him so that he can be on your insurance.

5. Brunch- A strategy game where you must plan a brunch with 10 friends. Get everyone there on time so you can keep your reservation or you lose!

6. 12 Angry Men- Can you sway the other 11 jurors to go your way in the time allotted? Or will a clearly innocent man be executed. (Vibration setting cannot be turned off during electrocution.)

7. I Am the Butcher- An RPG where you must play as a 46-year-old butcher named Freddy. No, his appearance is not customizable. Now, what’ll ya have? The pork shanks? Good choice.

8. House Plant- A game app where you check in on a houseplant every two weeks. Did you forget? It’s dead now. Are you happy?

9. Dirty Harry- Did he fire six shots or only five? Because that’s all he’s given to finish this action/adventure game filled with racism.

10. BioShock: From the Files of Police Squad- It’s just BioShock, but we have Frank Drebin instead of Jack.

Pierce Brosnan Played GoldenEye 007 Last Night

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Da da da da da da da da dadadada da da da da da da da da da da da dadadadada… 

Is it my birthday? Wait. Yes, it is actually. That’s why it’s extra special that this happened last night.

Megh Wright of Splitsider called it “everyone’s favorite N64 game,” which I think could be argued. But, OH MY GOD, it happened. Maybe for my next birthday, they can get Pierce Brosnan and Sean Bean to go head to head on multiplayer. Please?

Lara Croft and Her Best Friend Bethany Go Adventuring

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Super cool BFF, Lara Croft

Once upon a time, Lara Croft called up her best friend, Bethany.

“Hey, Bethany,” Lara Croft said.

“Hey, Lara Croft,” Bethany replied.

“I need to go recover some ancient relics and avenge the death of my father. Do you want to come with me?” asked Lara Croft.

Bethany weighed the pros and cons for five minutes, checked her email, and then said, “Sure.”

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Bethany: Best friend extraordinare

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The Gamification of My Fitness Routine

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BRB. I’m toning my abs.

It’s no secret to anyone who knows me that I really, really hate deliberate exercise. A swift walk through the park on the way to a barbecue is my kind of fitness. Or bicycling through a monster truck rally on my way to a cookout. Or a brisk swim across a lake because I realized I was on the wrong side of it for the weenie roast. These kinds of exercise really get me going, but anything involving a treadmill or a jogging bra will definitely lose my interest after three days. I hate sweating. I don’t want to “feel the burn.” I refuse to focus on my delts and glutes. What I really want is to just be in shape and do whatever I want to maintain it. Or just not do anything.

 

Which is why, when I recently decided to get into shape, I knew I needed to go about things a bit differently. Much like the children in Mary Poppins who don’t want to clean up their room, I need a reason to get motivated. But rather than auditioning singing nannies, I decided to just make exercise fun. Here are some fun routines that have been tried and tested by yours truly.

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Saying Goodbye to a Fellow Gamer

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Robin Williams and his daughter Zelda. <3

Gaming is often the way that people deal with depression. I know because I’ve done it. Sometimes I’ll realize I’ve done nothing but submerge myself in a video game for an entire day (or several days). I look around and think, “Wow, I haven’t even been in my own life today.” And it’s a good and bad feeling because I feel guilty for the escapism, but happy that it was blocking me from dealing with everything else.

I can’t let today go by without mentioning Robin Williams. He was a gamer, like us. He loved Ocarina of Time and Half-Life 2 and Call of Duty. This morning I realized that he’s never going to know if Half-Life 3 ever happens, and that made me profoundly sad.

Take some time today and read his Reddit AMA here. And this article at Kotaku. And then maybe go play some games for our fallen comrade.

Comedy Quest for the LOLs

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Have you seen this? Have you heard about this? It’s an adventure game where you can be a stand-up comedian. You don’t even have to go to an open mic night and follow a guy who likes to talk about lesbians and things his wife said to him yesterday. You can just sit at home and play a game. And it looks pretty hilarious. Just be sure to go do actual open mics and networking if you are actually trying to build a career in comedy. That’s some free advice from your friend Bethany.

Here’s the super awesome part. Comedy Quest is free! You can download it by following this link. Right now it’s only for PC, but if that concerns you, the creator is accepting donations. If anyone who owns a PC wants to download this game and play it, let me know how it is. I’m seriously curious.

YOU’VE BEEN BEAUTIFUL. THANK YOU AND GOOD NIGHT!

What’s Your Best Worst Game?

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I have actually played this. IT WAS AWESOME.

I know why you’re here. Come around back and I’ll whisper to you through the screen door. Hurry up now. I don’t have all night.

You’ve come about the bad video games, haven’t you? You want to know about the games that people play, even if the graphics are terrible, the controls are baffling, the storyline is not engaging, or basically the critics all hate it.

I tell you what, I sure love Earth Defense Force 2017, with its terrible graphics and hilarious voice work (EDF! EDF!) I love how when you shoot a building, the whole thing comes down. Watch this video and you’ll see what I mean.

See? I should laugh at this game and then go back to  doing something cool. But I can’t.

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Yeah, you, Earth Defense Force 2017.

The co-op play is amazing. It’s like getting to be in a terrible SyFy movie. With a huge arsenal of weapons. Giant bugs! Giant robots! Shooting a spaceship in can what can only be described as its butthole! And you can buy it for under $10 for the Xbox 360. Earth Defense Force 2017 is what gaming is all about. Go get yourself a copy of it. And then let me know what terrible games you’re into.

Game Apps That Totally Hate Us

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Like candy from a population of idiots.

In my daily speed read of Cracked, I came across this article, which basically says all the things I want to say about people’s favorite time-wasters. I have many, many thoughts on iPhone games and you’ll probably hear all about it in the coming days. I’m learning that people get super offended when you tell them that their game app is stupid.  They need to read my post about alternatives to Candy Crush.

Reasons Jennifer Needs to Play Through Minerva’s Den

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A lot of people tell me I like to sit on high and impose my will upon others. “That’s utterly ridiculous!” I tell them from atop my solid gold replica of the throne from Game of Thrones. “I don’t even have a will. I plan to leave my fortune to Simon, my micro pig.” But despite my protests, I’ve been told that perhaps I should tone down how I recommend video games to people and “try harder to be relatable.” Therefore, I will not mention my vast fortune in this post. I will not tell you about any of the opulent things I’ve spent it on, such as my Optimus Prime automaton. And I certainly won’t talk about how luck follows me everywhere I go, showering me with the kind of happiness that only having everything I could ever want can bring.

I’ll just go right into talking about how my friend Jennifer Culp has not yet played the BioShock 2 DLC Minerva’s Den and the reasons she totally needs to. Because Minerva’s Den is utterly glorious and worth the $9.99 I spent to download it.

Without further delay, here are the reasons Jennifer needs to drop everything and play Minerva’s Den.

1. It’s utterly glorious and worth the $9.99 you spend to download it. Full disclosure, I would have spent $999 to download it. But not because I’m ridiculously wealthy or anything.

2. The final battle of Minerva’s Den is the final battle we deserved at the end of BioShock 2. Let’s be honest. The end of BioShock 2 was nothing surprising. You fend off a bunch of Brute Splicers and Big Daddies while trying to help Eleanor escape. Blah. It’s fun, but arguably anticlimactic, especially in a second or third playthrough. Minerva’s Den, however, finishes in that challenging and extremely satisfying way where the credits start to roll and you set down your controller at the end and say, “That’ll do, controller. That’ll do.” And then smash beer cans and do your touchdown dance or whatever it is people who are not wealthy do.

3. The twist at the end was unexpected. BioShock is a game franchise known for its surprises. Atlas is Frank Fontaine. Booker is Comstock. Soilent Green is people. (IT’S PEOPLLLLLLE.) Without giving anything away, I will say that this was unique, and I liked it.

4. You get a pretty cool new weapon and a new plasmid. Because Minerva’s Den is a self-contained unit, it follows that they will have technology that is slightly different. Therefore, we get LASERS. I’ll say that word again. LASERS. The Ion Laser quickly became my go-to weapon as I played through Minerva’s Den. We also get the Gravity Well plasmid, which is ridiculously fun. I didn’t even get mad when I botched my use of it five times in a row and accidentally Gravity Welled some corpses. Not that I normally find tossing corpses around willy-nilly to be an enjoyable pastime. People hunting, yes. Corpse tossing, no.

5. This is actually a spoiler, so I am labeling it SPOILER so that you will know not to read on. Are you reading on? Suit yourself. The protagonist in Minerva’s Den is a man of color. How often does this happen in video games? Is “never” accurate? As we learn in the aforementioned twist ending, Charles Milton Porter is Subject Sigma. Charles Milton Porter is African American. Subject Sigma is African American. How cool is that? (You have to play the game to find out his story. I’m not telling you.)

6. Minerva’s Den has a generally happy ending, whether or not you save or harvest the Little Sisters. AND here’s another spoiler, so stop reading right now, you glutton for punishment: You finally get to stand face to face, sans partition, with Brigid Tenenbaum for the first time.

So, there you have it. My reasons for playing Minerva’s Den ASAP. I will leave you now and go back to what I was doing, which was definitely not flying around the grounds of my estate in a tiny rocket ship.

What’s on Your Game Queue?

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Alexander Hamilton and Aaron Burr in the original first-person shooter.

Here’s a scenario we’re all familiar with.

You: Hey, friend or acquaintance, have you played [super cool video game]?

Friend or acquaintance: Why are you calling me “friend or acquaintance” when you know perfectly well that my name is Alexander Hamilton? You know, like the founding father, but with far less control over the U.S. Treasury?

You: Oh, right. Well…have you?

Alexander Hamilton: Not yet. I’m playing [a game] and then the sequel to [another game]. And then I promised John Jay that I would play this other game he recommended. John Jay, like this cool friend of mine, not John Jay, the first justice of the Supreme Court.

You: Well, let me know when you’ve played it.

Alexander Hamilton: Of course. And remember, I was not killed in a duel in 1804. That’s the other Alexander Hamilton. Ironically, though, I do have an enemy named Aaron Burr.

You: That’s cool, Alexander Hamilton. Okay, bye.

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