All posts by Bethany

Lifeless Planet: Not Even a Little Bit Funny

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Lifeless is a funny word.

Obviously not in the context of a loved one floating facedown in a swimming pool.

Or crumpled at the bottom of a mansion staircase.

Or lying  in a hospital bed wearing a vacant expression as the beeps of the heart monitor grow more….and more…… f a r  a p a r t …until finally…BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP….and the doctor enters the room and says, “I’m calling it. Time of death: 4:53 PM. I’m really sorry, Mr. Johnson, but he’s gone.”

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It’s OK if You Don’t Play Games on Hard

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I dated this guy once who refused to play video games on anything less than the hardest difficulty. He would play through the same part of the game over and over and over again (I’m talking 50+ times), getting increasingly frustrated. When it got to be too much, he would throw down his controller and stomp off in a huff, like the game had set out to destroy him, and it was working.

“Why don’t you change the difficulty?” I would ask. Back then, I insisted that I was fine just watching, when really I wanted him to go out somewhere for several hours and let me have the controller for once.

“Becaaaaause,” he would reply huffily, “I want an actual challenge.”

And so, I would continue watching this cycle for hours, waiting for the inevitable aneurism.

People play video games for a variety of reasons. Some people play because it’s a fun activity with friends or family members. Others just like to immerse themselves into a different world for a while. Some people like the challenge and the bragging rights of finishing. And others use video games to fight the stress of their own lives.

Your reason might be a combination of these things or something else entirely. And here’s the thing: All of those reasons are of equal importance. You’re a video game consumer. You paid money, and you get to have the experience you want with it. Playing at the highest challenge level isn’t right for everyone because not everybody is looking for a game to melt their eyeballs and make their brains explode. Some people just want to stare at a screen and do a thing and not have to think that hard. AND THAT’S FINE.

I play most games on Normal (when applicable) because, quite frankly, I want to see what’s next. I don’t enjoy performing the same challenges again and again WITH A FEW EXCEPTIONS.

This because I could ride around on the Spinner ALL DAY.

And that’s it. Never mind. I meant ONE EXCEPTION.

Full disclosure: I played Dragon Age Inquisition on the easiest setting because I wanted to know how it ended, and it wasn’t moving fast enough for me on Normal. Eventually, I might go back and turn up the difficulty level and enjoy a bigger challenge, but for now, I know how DAI ended, and I’m fine with myself.

Bottom line? There’s no shame in being all, “FUCK THIS SHIT” and giving yourself a break. This has been a public service announcement from years of therapy. <3

The Ultimate Ranking of Koopalings by Hairstyle

The Koopalings. Evil minions of Bowser or cutting-edge trendsetters? Let’s dig deeper with this ultimate ranking of Koopalings by hairstyle…

7. Roy

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Roy, the bald look is totally in, but if you want to Vin Dazzle, you have got to make the effort.

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Dragon Age Inquisition Is So Gay Friendly That IT’S ALIENATING STRAIGHT PEOPLE

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STOP THE PRESSES.

I was going through the comments on Gamervescent, as I tend to do on a Monday night, and deleting all the ones offering me great deals on “fendi peekaboo” or “parajumpers sale.” And I came across one comment on our recent post about Dragon Age Inquisition hairstyles. This comment told me some things. BIG THINGS. Things I’d never thought about before.

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Top Ten Insults to Use on Link

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#HURTFEELINGS

 

I get very shouty when I play Zelda games. Probably because, let’s face it, Link is a frustrating guy. Especially when he jumps weird and falls into a chasm or blows himself up LIKE A COMPLETE IDIOT. So here’s my list of insults to use when Link is being a bonehead. Shout them at your discretion.

1. Wind Wanker

2. Link to My Ass

3. Ocarina of the Time I Said OMG NO GRAB THE BLOCK NOT CLIMB ON TOP OF IT

4. Dork Link

5. Majora’s CAN’T YOU RUN ANY [MASK]ER?

6. What are you doing? WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

7. NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO

8. I guess SOMEBODY likes being on fire

9. Fine. I’m saving it here so that you can be on fire until I decide to come back NEXT WEEK. See how you like that.

10. Skyward S-word

Video Games for Game-Reluctant People

Everybody has at least one of those friends who, when approached with the idea of playing video games, responds with a hearty, “But I’m terrible at video games!” Two people said that to me this week. And I won’t stand for it, I tell you. Won’t stand for it!

I know how this happens. You’re a pre-teen. You go to a friend’s house to play video games. Within the first ten seconds of Super Mario Bros., you walk off a cliff or run face-first into a Goomba. Somebody laughs and takes the controller from you like you’re a total idiot, and suddenly you feel insecure. “I guess I’m just no good,” you say.

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OMG OMG Nug Alert (AKA The Best Thing Ever)

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Nugs, not drugs. (Or nugs AND drugs. Just be careful.)

SPOILER. Don’t look at the images below if you don’t want your face to explode from the cutest thing that ever happened in Thedas.

I’m warning you.

I’m serious.

Hold on to your face.

Here goes.

I PRESENT TO YOU BATTLE NUG.

He’s a nug. With a saddle. You can ride him.

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Look at his face.

I SAID LOOK AT IT.

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Dragon Age Inquisition Is Just Cheese and Skeletons

I went looking around the Internet today to see if anyone else wanted to talk about how in Thedas everyone just walks around on skeletons like it ain’t no thang. I mean, characters have entire conversations in rooms with PILES of corpses in them. Can you not take that conversation next door where there aren’t any dead bodies? There’s a man who literally burned to death RIGHT THERE. His mouth is open. Did you not notice? OK.

It was during this search that I happened upon this important article about cheese and the tragic end of one individual.

Going farther into the wormhole I’ve opened, did you know that if you Google “skeleton Thedas,” you’ll get a bunch of pictures of silent film star Theda Bara and skeletons? You will. I’ll be back tomorrow with more thoughts on Dragon Age Inquisition, which has basically become my life.

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