STOP OBJECTIFYING MY FRIEND.
When I posted my last fan fiction, the first thing several people asked me was if it was “erotic fan fiction.” A few of those people told me it wasn’t worth reading if it wasn’t “erotic.” Because the story of two best friends going on an adventure together is APPARENTLY not good enough for you sex maniacs. Sure, Lara Croft goes adventuring in a pair of tiny shorts and a tank top. Sure, she jumps into a pool of water and splashes around. And, yes, she does a lot of gymnastics that could be considered sexy if you think about it enough on a dark night while lying in bed alone. But that’s not what my Tomb Raider fan fiction is about. It’s about friendship and adventuring. So, don’t even ask again about whether or not things are going to get sexy between Lara Croft and her best friend, Bethany. They are friends and only friends. Period. Even at night when they’re alone in the jungle and there’s nobody else around and it’s hot and sweaty and stuff. Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, I can continue with my fan fiction. Try to keep it in your pants this time.
Here we go.
It was night. Lara Croft and her best friend, Bethany, were alone in the jungle. There was nobody else around, and it was hot and sweaty and stuff. They had spent the day adventuring. Well, really Lara Croft had done most of the adventuring. Bethany had done most of the tagging along, commenting on things, and providing sandwiches. But Lara Croft didn’t mind it that way. She was just glad to have a friend along for this trip. She got so lonely sometimes, and a woman has needs. You know…needs? Like someone to carry her extra gun belt so it didn’t get soggy in the jungle. Or someone to remind her to take her vitamins and drink plenty of water. And finally, Lara Croft needed someone to remind her that breaking things in ancient temples was unethical and maybe she should stop.
“UGH, I am so hot and sweaty,” Bethany remarked, taking her top off of her canteen and drinking several gulps of water. Some of the spilled water trickled down between her breasts of grilled chicken that she was preparing to put between two slices of bread for their dinner sandwiches.
“What do you mean?” Lara Croft queried.
“Oh, you know, ” said Bethany. “When it’s hot outside, and you sweat?”
Lara Croft just stared at her, confused.
“From glands?” Bethany continued.
Lara Croft blinked quizzically.
“Sweat…glands?” said Bethany.
“Is it some kind of ancient Roman cleansing ritual?” Lara Croft asked.
Bethany sighed. “I think I’ll go to tent,” she said.
But Lara Croft hadn’t brought a tent.
“Where do you sleep then?” Bethany asked.
“Sleep?” murmured Lara Croft. “Is that what you call it when you get knocked unconscious by your enemies?”
“No…” Bethany replied, looking at her friend with one eyebrow arched. “Wait. Does that happen to you a lot?”
“Every day?” said Lara Croft. “Or maybe every other day. I can’t remember.” She then sagged to one side, went cross-eyed, and started drooling.
Bethany sat down next to her friend and put her arm around her, in a friendly but not sexual manner. It was more of a “holding the other person up” embrace.
Lara Croft turned her face upward to gaze at her friend and licked her lips.
“I’m a woman, and I have needs,” said Lara Croft, looking her friend up and down, her heart pounding. There was something she had been trying to say for months, but could never find the words.
“So do I,” said Bethany, returning her gaze.
“I want to tell you something,” said Lara Croft. “It’s really personal. I feel very vulnerable right now.”
“Tell me,” Bethany whispered.
They moved closer and closer together as the light from the fire danced upon their faces.
“I think I need a CT-scan,” said Lara Croft at last.
“I know,” Bethany replied. “At first light, I’ll hike back to the helicopter and call for rescue.”
“I love you,” said Lara Croft.
“I love you too,” said Bethany.
Later they had a pillow fight, but it was only because Lara Croft’s brain damage had her convinced she was at a birthday party for a girl who was turning eight.