All posts by Bethany

BioShock Is Available for iOS!

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So, something awesome has happened. The original BioShock is now available on the App Store for $14.99. Widely considered one of the greatest first-person shooters of all time (and not just by me) BioShock is a beautifully designed and challenging masterpiece. Did I just say masterpiece? Yes, I did. It’s also gross and horrifying if that’s your thing.

So, if you aren’t into console or PC gaming and need a new challenge, here it is! If anybody has had a chance to check it out, do let me know. I’d love to know how it compares and if you can actually play it on an iPhone.

Lara Croft and Her Best Friend Bethany Get Into a Sexy Pillow Fight

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STOP OBJECTIFYING MY FRIEND.

When I posted my last fan fiction, the first thing several people asked me was if it was “erotic fan fiction.” A few of those people told me it wasn’t worth reading if it wasn’t “erotic.” Because the story of two best friends going on an adventure together is APPARENTLY not good enough for you sex maniacs. Sure, Lara Croft goes adventuring in a pair of tiny shorts and a tank top. Sure, she jumps into a pool of water and splashes around. And, yes, she does a lot of gymnastics that could be considered sexy if you think about it enough on a dark night while lying in bed alone. But that’s not what my Tomb Raider fan fiction is about. It’s about friendship and adventuring. So, don’t even ask again about whether or not things are going to get sexy between Lara Croft and her best friend, Bethany. They are friends and only friends. Period. Even at night when they’re alone in the jungle and there’s nobody else around and it’s hot and sweaty and stuff. Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, I can continue with my fan fiction. Try to keep it in your pants this time.

Here we go.

It was night. Lara Croft and her best friend, Bethany, were alone in the jungle. There was nobody else around, and it was hot and sweaty and stuff. They had spent the day adventuring. Well, really Lara Croft had done most of the adventuring. Bethany had done most of the tagging along, commenting on things, and providing sandwiches. But Lara Croft didn’t mind it that way. She was just glad to have a friend along for this trip. She got so lonely sometimes, and a woman has needs. You know…needs? Like someone to carry her extra gun belt so it didn’t get soggy in the jungle. Or someone to remind her to take her vitamins and drink plenty of water. And finally, Lara Croft needed someone to remind her that breaking things in ancient temples was unethical and maybe she should stop.

“UGH, I am so hot and sweaty,” Bethany remarked, taking her top off of her canteen and drinking several gulps of water. Some of the spilled water trickled down between her breasts of grilled chicken that she was preparing to put between two slices of bread for their dinner sandwiches.

“What do you mean?” Lara Croft queried.

“Oh, you know, ” said Bethany. “When it’s hot outside, and you sweat?”

Lara Croft just stared at her, confused.

“From glands?” Bethany continued.

Lara Croft blinked quizzically.

“Sweat…glands?” said Bethany.

“Is it some kind of ancient Roman cleansing ritual?” Lara Croft asked.

Bethany sighed. “I think I’ll go to tent,” she said.

But Lara Croft hadn’t brought a tent.

“Where do you sleep then?” Bethany asked.

“Sleep?” murmured Lara Croft. “Is that what you call it when you get  knocked unconscious by your enemies?”

“No…” Bethany replied, looking at her friend with one eyebrow arched. “Wait. Does that happen to you a lot?”

“Every day?” said Lara Croft. “Or maybe every other day. I can’t remember.” She then sagged to one side, went cross-eyed, and started drooling.

Bethany sat down next to her friend and put her arm around her, in a friendly but not sexual manner. It was more of a “holding the other person up” embrace.

Lara Croft turned her face upward to gaze at her friend and licked her lips.

“I’m a woman, and I have needs,” said Lara Croft, looking her friend up and down, her heart pounding. There was something she had been trying to say for months, but could never find the words.

“So do I,” said Bethany, returning her gaze.

“I want to tell you something,” said Lara Croft. “It’s really personal. I feel very vulnerable right now.”

“Tell me,” Bethany whispered.

They moved closer and closer together as the light from the fire danced upon their faces.

“I think I need a CT-scan,” said Lara Croft at last.

“I know,” Bethany replied. “At first light, I’ll hike back to the helicopter and call for rescue.”

“I love you,” said Lara Croft.

“I love you too,” said Bethany.

Later they had a pillow fight, but it was only because Lara Croft’s brain damage had her convinced she was at a birthday party for a girl who was turning eight.

Video Games I Wish Existed

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If I knew this would come up when I googled Jane Eyre, I would have googled it a long time ago.

Every day I think to myself, “This would be a fun video game. But one that only I would find fun.” Because I am disgusting and have weird tastes in fun. Here are some games I really wish existed.

1. Masterpiece Theatre Presents: Crazy Attic Wife Shootout-  An action-packed video game about the best character from Jane Eyre. Get her before she burns down the mansion!

2. Cut and Run- A stealth video game about moving out of your apartment in the middle of the night to avoid paying next month’s rent.

3. Super Smash Executives- The guys from your accounting firm go head to head in this battle game.

4.  8 Glasses – In this mobile game, you must check in with your character all day and give him a glass of water. But be careful! If you give him too much, he will wet himself, causing water damage to your phone. If you give him too little, he’ll get kidney stones and you’ll have to marry him so that he can be on your insurance.

5. Brunch- A strategy game where you must plan a brunch with 10 friends. Get everyone there on time so you can keep your reservation or you lose!

6. 12 Angry Men- Can you sway the other 11 jurors to go your way in the time allotted? Or will a clearly innocent man be executed. (Vibration setting cannot be turned off during electrocution.)

7. I Am the Butcher- An RPG where you must play as a 46-year-old butcher named Freddy. No, his appearance is not customizable. Now, what’ll ya have? The pork shanks? Good choice.

8. House Plant- A game app where you check in on a houseplant every two weeks. Did you forget? It’s dead now. Are you happy?

9. Dirty Harry- Did he fire six shots or only five? Because that’s all he’s given to finish this action/adventure game filled with racism.

10. BioShock: From the Files of Police Squad- It’s just BioShock, but we have Frank Drebin instead of Jack.

Pierce Brosnan Played GoldenEye 007 Last Night

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Da da da da da da da da dadadada da da da da da da da da da da da dadadadada… 

Is it my birthday? Wait. Yes, it is actually. That’s why it’s extra special that this happened last night.

Megh Wright of Splitsider called it “everyone’s favorite N64 game,” which I think could be argued. But, OH MY GOD, it happened. Maybe for my next birthday, they can get Pierce Brosnan and Sean Bean to go head to head on multiplayer. Please?

Lara Croft and Her Best Friend Bethany Go Adventuring

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Super cool BFF, Lara Croft

Once upon a time, Lara Croft called up her best friend, Bethany.

“Hey, Bethany,” Lara Croft said.

“Hey, Lara Croft,” Bethany replied.

“I need to go recover some ancient relics and avenge the death of my father. Do you want to come with me?” asked Lara Croft.

Bethany weighed the pros and cons for five minutes, checked her email, and then said, “Sure.”

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Bethany: Best friend extraordinare

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The Gamification of My Fitness Routine

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BRB. I’m toning my abs.

It’s no secret to anyone who knows me that I really, really hate deliberate exercise. A swift walk through the park on the way to a barbecue is my kind of fitness. Or bicycling through a monster truck rally on my way to a cookout. Or a brisk swim across a lake because I realized I was on the wrong side of it for the weenie roast. These kinds of exercise really get me going, but anything involving a treadmill or a jogging bra will definitely lose my interest after three days. I hate sweating. I don’t want to “feel the burn.” I refuse to focus on my delts and glutes. What I really want is to just be in shape and do whatever I want to maintain it. Or just not do anything.

 

Which is why, when I recently decided to get into shape, I knew I needed to go about things a bit differently. Much like the children in Mary Poppins who don’t want to clean up their room, I need a reason to get motivated. But rather than auditioning singing nannies, I decided to just make exercise fun. Here are some fun routines that have been tried and tested by yours truly.

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Saying Goodbye to a Fellow Gamer

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Robin Williams and his daughter Zelda. <3

Gaming is often the way that people deal with depression. I know because I’ve done it. Sometimes I’ll realize I’ve done nothing but submerge myself in a video game for an entire day (or several days). I look around and think, “Wow, I haven’t even been in my own life today.” And it’s a good and bad feeling because I feel guilty for the escapism, but happy that it was blocking me from dealing with everything else.

I can’t let today go by without mentioning Robin Williams. He was a gamer, like us. He loved Ocarina of Time and Half-Life 2 and Call of Duty. This morning I realized that he’s never going to know if Half-Life 3 ever happens, and that made me profoundly sad.

Take some time today and read his Reddit AMA here. And this article at Kotaku. And then maybe go play some games for our fallen comrade.

Comedy Quest for the LOLs

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Have you seen this? Have you heard about this? It’s an adventure game where you can be a stand-up comedian. You don’t even have to go to an open mic night and follow a guy who likes to talk about lesbians and things his wife said to him yesterday. You can just sit at home and play a game. And it looks pretty hilarious. Just be sure to go do actual open mics and networking if you are actually trying to build a career in comedy. That’s some free advice from your friend Bethany.

Here’s the super awesome part. Comedy Quest is free! You can download it by following this link. Right now it’s only for PC, but if that concerns you, the creator is accepting donations. If anyone who owns a PC wants to download this game and play it, let me know how it is. I’m seriously curious.

YOU’VE BEEN BEAUTIFUL. THANK YOU AND GOOD NIGHT!

What’s Your Best Worst Game?

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I have actually played this. IT WAS AWESOME.

I know why you’re here. Come around back and I’ll whisper to you through the screen door. Hurry up now. I don’t have all night.

You’ve come about the bad video games, haven’t you? You want to know about the games that people play, even if the graphics are terrible, the controls are baffling, the storyline is not engaging, or basically the critics all hate it.

I tell you what, I sure love Earth Defense Force 2017, with its terrible graphics and hilarious voice work (EDF! EDF!) I love how when you shoot a building, the whole thing comes down. Watch this video and you’ll see what I mean.

See? I should laugh at this game and then go back to  doing something cool. But I can’t.

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Yeah, you, Earth Defense Force 2017.

The co-op play is amazing. It’s like getting to be in a terrible SyFy movie. With a huge arsenal of weapons. Giant bugs! Giant robots! Shooting a spaceship in can what can only be described as its butthole! And you can buy it for under $10 for the Xbox 360. Earth Defense Force 2017 is what gaming is all about. Go get yourself a copy of it. And then let me know what terrible games you’re into.

Game Apps That Totally Hate Us

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Like candy from a population of idiots.

In my daily speed read of Cracked, I came across this article, which basically says all the things I want to say about people’s favorite time-wasters. I have many, many thoughts on iPhone games and you’ll probably hear all about it in the coming days. I’m learning that people get super offended when you tell them that their game app is stupid.  They need to read my post about alternatives to Candy Crush.