All posts by Bethany

So…About My Actual Boyfriend

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I posted a fictionalized account on Friday of my experiences going to GameStop. And afterwards my real boyfriend read it and said, “Do I really do that?”

So I wanted to take a few minutes to tell you the differences between the fictionalized version of my boyfriend in the story and my actual boyfriend, whose name is Mike and not “Boyfriend.” Here are the facts.

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Casual Sexism Isn’t Stupid. I’m Stupid.

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Am I doing this right? Help.

My favorite part of going to GameStop is when I remove MY PowerUp Rewards card from MY wallet and hand it to the cashier. And he turns to my boyfriend and asks him, “Did you want to use the points you’ve accumulated to pay for this?”

I just stand there smiling stupidly because that’s what I do. I just can’t ever make a decision! It’s so embarrassing. Points? What are those? I’m terrible at math. Is 85,000 points a lot?? How much is that in money?

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The Countdown to Dragon Age: Inquisition

dai

What are you doing while you wait for the release of Dragon Age: Inquisition? Me? I’m waiting. And waiting. And waiting. I can’t even play other video games because all I want is Dragon Age: Inquisition, and everything else feels like a lame substitution, like when someone says, “Don’t eat that ice cream. Have this cup of plain yogurt instead to satisfy those dessert cravings.” It’s like, “SHUT UP, DOOFUS.” While we wait in the mutual agreement that waiting is a crock, let’s look at this collection of gifs you can use when someone asks you what you’re doing with your time prior to the release of Dragon Age: Inquisition.

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Welcome to Our Spam Comment Gallery

I always feel a little guilty, marking comments in our feed as spam. Some spammer worked really hard on that blurb, typing it up, running it through Google Translate, and then copying the result and pasting it into a comment box. Therefore, I read each and every one, carefully assessing its attributes and trying to decide how to respond. Today, I’m stepping away from video games talk to share a gallery of exactly .0003% of the spam we receive and have to delete on a daily basis.

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What is your Chinese zodiac sign? I was born in the year of the Goat or Sheep or goat.

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The best type of spam is the kind where the spammer tries to slyly make his or her comment sound relevant to the discussion. Try this “high quality in the cellphone” idk it’s kewl or whatever.

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Pssssst. I had a tinge of complexion once. I used some cream, and it cleared right up.

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I’m actually disappointed that Al Kazeem is a racehorse and this isn’t someone’s short story about a proud family of centaurs who are creating their own fashion line for Urban Outfitters.

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Has anyone checked on Suri Cruise today? I think this person is trying to sell her.

Eczema ugg outlet

ALERT THE PRESS. ECZEMA IS A UGG OUTLET ONLINE. IT MUST BE STOPPED.

accomplishments distinctiveness

One day, when I am accepting an important and prestigious award, I’m just going to quote this verbatim.

during the school holidays

“Kids, gather around. Grandpa is going to show you his belt, and then we’ll sing Fendi college belt carols.”

mike burke racecar

Mike Burke, are you listening back there? I said that racecar spelled backwardzzzzz is racecar. There will be a test on this.

my spouse and i

This is sad if you read it as a comment that Marie Curie left on an article about radium.

office sweater

Indiana Jones and the Search for an Office Sweater That Is Not Too Hot

platform shoes

“What are platform shoes, granddad?” “Well, Rebecca…”

sharon kelly

Just let it out, Sharon. Feel your feelings.

praise her body

Anthony looked into Vanessa’s eyes and finally uttered the words she had been needing to hear for the six months of their whirlwind relationship. “Vagina perfect. Love how your vagina responds to my touch. Be careful with choice of words. 3.” And Vanessa knew that she and Anthony would be together forever.

 

How to Get Your Own Ser Pounce-a-Lot in Time for Halloween

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Sir Pounce-a-Lot, Ferelden’s king of the cats.

I was 3/4 of the way through Dragon Age: Awakening when I got a frantic text from Jennifer Culp. “GO BACK AND START FROM THE BEGINNING. I DON’T CARE HOW FAR YOU ARE. JUST DO IT.”

I responded with something glib like, “LOL NOPE.” But soon I understood that I’d made a huge mistake. By releasing Anders and denying him entrance to the Grey Wardens, which I didn’t think was a huge deal at the time I did it, I had lost Ser Pounce-a-Lot. Within four hours of realizing this mistake, I decided I did want to start over.

And so back to the beginning I went.

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Party on, Vorcha

I can’t say too much about the Citadel DLC for Mass Effect 3, or I might give important things away to my compadre Jennifer Culp, who hasn’t finished it yet. The DLC is FULL of fun, lighthearted, even sentimental moments (in addition to the action). But I do have to share a gif of one of my favorite things in the history of Mass Effect. I present to you, “Party Vorcha.”

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I <3 Oghren

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It could be argued that I’m just very partial to dwarves. Gimli is my favorite part of Lord of the Rings, hands down. And don’t even get me talking about The Hobbit or I’ll bore you with all about how Bombur is the best because he has an appreciation of fine cheese.

So, it follows that I love Oghren. He’s disgusting. He drinks too much. He says inappropriate things to the female party members. But when he turned up in Awakening, ready to be a Grey Warden, I squealed audibly. I love that pervert. There is something very reassuring about taking a dwarf warrior with a huge axe into the fray.

<3

The Most Difficult Video Game Mission EVER

alistairI’ve brought down Frank Fontaine and rescued the Little Sisters of Rapture. I’ve killed all the weird bull forms of Ganondorf and kept Hyrule free from tyranny. I destroyed the Reapers and saved SPACE, for fuck’s sake.

But you know what I can’t do?

YOU KNOW WHAT I CAN’T DO?

I can’t get Alistair to go to Pound Town in Dragon Age: Origins.

Oh, he’ll go to Denerim. He’ll go to Orzammar. He’ll even visit the Village of Haven (that shit hole). But you try to get him to go to the Bone Zone, and Alistair is like, “Titter! Why, fair maiden, I do believe you’re flirting with me.”

Why won’t this fictional man sleep with my fictional woman? I’ve given him, like, a million presents and chatted him up and told him how good-looking he is and showed genuine interest in his life as a poor bastard child. But will he do me the honor of joining me in the Boneyard?

Nope.

You know what would happen if you gave a non-fictional real human man the statue of a demon? He’d say, “That’s pretty cool and stuff, but let’s get BIZAY.” You know why? Because doing it is fun. It’s exercise. It kills the boredom on those cold nights by the campfire after after a day of killing darkspawn.

He wants to wait. TO WAIT! “Until it feels right” apparently. You know what “feels right,” Alistair? DOING THE SEX. I should know. I’ve done it at least five times in my life. And not one of those sex dudes was like, “Maybe talk to me a little bit about Duncan first and give me a shield and I’ll think about it.”

I know…I know. I should respect his wishes. I just wish that his wish was for a good rogering. Or even just a mediocre one. Or making out. Or light fondling. Or heavy fondling. Armor on or off. His choice.

Give it up already, man!

Says Alistair:

Now, if you’ll excuse me I need to go take a cold shower.

(Full disclosure: After I wrote this last night, Alistair and the noble human of my own creation totally did it. My boyfriend came home and said, “Well, DID YOU DO IT?” and then I had to make them do it again so he could see that cheesy ass sex cutscene. VICTORY.)

Five out of five Bethanys are in favor of making the blanket monster whenever possible.