All posts by Ryan Hodge

Tali Broke My Heart and Ruined Romance Forever

farewell, cruel world

Playing through the Mass Effect trilogy for the first time, I avoided any and all spoilers and was determined to puzzle my way through the roleplaying by getting into character.

I spent ages, far too long really, winning Tali over in the hopes that she would become my video game wife and we’d have adorable masked kids. I played my cards perfectly, she was opening up and getting closer to me. She would be mine!

We go to her home planet, a wasteland really, and on the cliffs overlooking her desolate home she turns to me and starts to take off her mask. “Yes,” I said breathlessly, “you have my heart.”

Then the camera cut to an over-the-shoulder shot behind her, looking at me, so I never saw her face. And she then jumped to her fucking death.

Not only will I die alone irl but I can even drive virtual women to suicide to escape me. WAAAAAHHHHH

For the first time in my pitiful, shallow life I didn’t care what was under the mask. Lesson learned.

Tali broke my heart and ruined all romance, virtual and real, for me forever.

I WATCHED HER JUMP OFF OF A CLIFF BECAUSE SHE DIDNT WANT TO BE WITH ME

[Ed. note: Or maybe, Ry, it’s a good idea to try to prevent your love interest’s race from getting genocided by the geth if you want the relationship to last. Just a thought.]

[Ed. note 2: Sorry for your heartache, but I will never ever stop laughing at your tales of video game romance gone wrong. Please tell all of them to me forever.]

 

Ryan Robotnik is unlucky in love.