Category Archives: Video Games

So…About My Actual Boyfriend


I posted a fictionalized account on Friday of my experiences going to GameStop. And afterwards my real boyfriend read it and said, “Do I really do that?”

So I wanted to take a few minutes to tell you the differences between the fictionalized version of my boyfriend in the story and my actual boyfriend, whose name is Mike and not “Boyfriend.” Here are the facts.

Continue reading

Casual Sexism Isn’t Stupid. I’m Stupid.


Am I doing this right? Help.

My favorite part of going to GameStop is when I remove MY PowerUp Rewards card from MY wallet and hand it to the cashier. And he turns to my boyfriend and asks him, “Did you want to use the points you’ve accumulated to pay for this?”

I just stand there smiling stupidly because that’s what I do. I just can’t ever make a decision! It’s so embarrassing. Points? What are those? I’m terrible at math. Is 85,000 points a lot?? How much is that in money?

Continue reading

The Countdown to Dragon Age: Inquisition


What are you doing while you wait for the release of Dragon Age: Inquisition? Me? I’m waiting. And waiting. And waiting. I can’t even play other video games because all I want is Dragon Age: Inquisition, and everything else feels like a lame substitution, like when someone says, “Don’t eat that ice cream. Have this cup of plain yogurt instead to satisfy those dessert cravings.” It’s like, “SHUT UP, DOOFUS.” While we wait in the mutual agreement that waiting is a crock, let’s look at this collection of gifs you can use when someone asks you what you’re doing with your time prior to the release of Dragon Age: Inquisition.

Continue reading

A Little Shout Out to the Neglected

Pssssssssssssssssst hey! Hey, you! The social gamer over there, yeah you. Calm down. I’m not here to insult you. I just want you to know that you’re one of us whether you know that or not. You are one of the ultimate grinders. I envy that dedication and patience. Maybe you are a secret architect building away.

That is a lot of dedication. I had 12 floors and gave up. You go!

Continue reading

A Cell Phone and the search for Leviathan

The time has come, the time is now: the return of CELL PHONE PHOTOS OF MASS EFFECT is happening!!! And I ain’t even sorry for the Insta-spam, nice people who follow me on IG; James Vega looks better than I’ve ever seen him in cell-phone-pic-of-a-TV-screen close-up.

Allow me to present a very blue soap opera in photos entitled:

Joely Shepard and the Shiny Orbs, or,

What Jennifer Saw in the Mass Effect 3 Leviathan DLC

Screen Shot 2014-11-10 at 2.42.18 PM

Screen Shot 2014-11-10 at 2.42.01 PMScreen Shot 2014-11-10 at 2.41.50 PM Continue reading

Straight-Up Bragging

When Mass Effect 3 froze up on me in the midst of a passionate rendezvous on Saturday night, I ditched it and turned to the game that never fails to satisfy—Geometry Wars: Retro Evolved ^2.

I was really tired and probably should have gone to bed, but it’s hard to stop playing Geometry Wars, and every time I got blown up, I told myself, “Just one more time, just oooone more; you wanna end on a good run…”

And then, friends, eyes dazzled by the pretty colors and reflexes abetted by exhaustion, I entered into the Geometry Wars Trance™, the highly addictive euphoric state chased by veteran Geometry Wars users, and when I emerged at the end of a play-through of Pacifism I saw that I had ANNIHILATED my previous all-time personal high score of 6-million-something.


As you can see, I still have a ways to go before I top my husband’s all-time high of 71-somethin’-mil (achieved when he spaced out into a hard-core Geometry Wars Trance at the end of an afternoon G-Wars binge with our friends Corey and Samantha. It was truly a feat to behold! I am proud/envious of him), but this episode managed to bump me up over his previous high score of 16-million-something. There is nothing like the Geometry Wars Trance. It is powerful. It is transporting. It is unlike any other altered state I have ever experienced, and it is extremely addictive.

I’ve got to play again. Just one more time, just one more; it feels so good, I just need to feel that feeling again, maybe I’ll break 50-mil this time…maybe a HUNDRED, I can’t stop now, just one more


Previously: the colorsssss

Previously: the slippery slope

Welcome to Our Spam Comment Gallery

I always feel a little guilty, marking comments in our feed as spam. Some spammer worked really hard on that blurb, typing it up, running it through Google Translate, and then copying the result and pasting it into a comment box. Therefore, I read each and every one, carefully assessing its attributes and trying to decide how to respond. Today, I’m stepping away from video games talk to share a gallery of exactly .0003% of the spam we receive and have to delete on a daily basis.

Screen Shot 2014-10-13 at 1.03.27 PM

What is your Chinese zodiac sign? I was born in the year of the Goat or Sheep or goat.

Screen Shot 2014-10-13 at 1.03.37 PM

The best type of spam is the kind where the spammer tries to slyly make his or her comment sound relevant to the discussion. Try this “high quality in the cellphone” idk it’s kewl or whatever.

Screen Shot 2014-10-13 at 1.03.56 PM

Pssssst. I had a tinge of complexion once. I used some cream, and it cleared right up.

Screen Shot 2014-10-13 at 1.04.45 PM

I’m actually disappointed that Al Kazeem is a racehorse and this isn’t someone’s short story about a proud family of centaurs who are creating their own fashion line for Urban Outfitters.

Screen Shot 2014-10-15 at 10.22.01 AM

Has anyone checked on Suri Cruise today? I think this person is trying to sell her.

Eczema ugg outlet


accomplishments distinctiveness

One day, when I am accepting an important and prestigious award, I’m just going to quote this verbatim.

during the school holidays

“Kids, gather around. Grandpa is going to show you his belt, and then we’ll sing Fendi college belt carols.”

mike burke racecar

Mike Burke, are you listening back there? I said that racecar spelled backwardzzzzz is racecar. There will be a test on this.

my spouse and i

This is sad if you read it as a comment that Marie Curie left on an article about radium.

office sweater

Indiana Jones and the Search for an Office Sweater That Is Not Too Hot

platform shoes

“What are platform shoes, granddad?” “Well, Rebecca…”

sharon kelly

Just let it out, Sharon. Feel your feelings.

praise her body

Anthony looked into Vanessa’s eyes and finally uttered the words she had been needing to hear for the six months of their whirlwind relationship. “Vagina perfect. Love how your vagina responds to my touch. Be careful with choice of words. 3.” And Vanessa knew that she and Anthony would be together forever.


Gone, but never forgotten

Pursuant to yesterday’s excellent, enthusiastic conversation about Resident Evil 4 and subsequent conversion of Gamervescent into a RE4 fansite, I was made aware of this most excellent of tribute videos in honor of everyone’s favorite character, The Merchant.

Jason Rainey, truly you have blessed us all with this masterpiece.

We will never forget.