Category Archives: Video Games

See how beautiful??

Jen R. Falls in love with, breaks up with Skyrim

Skyrim_pretty_castle

I am Ulzoth, an axe-wielding, flame-slinging female Orc. I’m just your typical wandering adventurer, who happens to steal all alchemical ingredients, coins, and potions the unsuspecting citizens of Skyrim leave just lying around unattended in their own homes. I’m like a female Robin Hood, robbing from the wealthy Jarls and merchants and giving to my poor self.  Never mind that I have more gold than I can spend. What shop need I, I who can ransack all caves, shipwrecks, and Dwemer ruins with impunity and sell all loot contained therein? I don’t need to eat, I only sleep if I need to pass the time before breaking into a shop, and I most certainly do not have any need for other indelicate bodily functions.

Let’s step back a bit here.  First I need to tell you how I got started, which was: I mentioned to my husband I might be interested in giving Skyrim another try. (The first time I got so distracted in my exploration and alchemical ingredient harvesting that I only discovered about half of the map. But it was a damn thorough half of the map.) So he asked me what mods I wanted.

“Uhhhhh,” I replied.

“Ok,” said he, and proceeded to download and install everything to make my game prettier. Continue reading

teagan dance

“Poor blood mage. I’ll free you!” Kaylan’s Dragon Age Epic Part 4

Previously: Kaylan’s Dragon Age Epic Part 1, Part 2, Part 3

Yup, Jenn was right: this dude [Zevran] has no shame. We have talked once and he’s now offering to sex me up.

Oh god if you agree to a massage he says, “A willing victim presents itself.” Calling me a victim isn’t sexy man, the more you know

Yup I’m gonna commit to Alistair now.

rejection Continue reading

role reversal

Let’s Get It On: Seduce Me Style

Previously: Gettin’ On Pigeon Style, Gettin’ It On Detective Style

If you’re a sweet, innocent young(ish) thing like me, finding out that there is a male counterpart to succubi—the incubi—will make your friggin’ week. And then when you find out there’s a free game wherein you can romance one of said hot, sex-demon dudes—now that made my freakin’ MONTH.

I like to give everybody fun nicknames.

I like to give everybody fun nicknames.

Seduce Me Otome Game is a visual novel/dating sim available as a free download for all three operating systems. It’s probably a 15 or so hour game, depending on how fast you read and how many routes you want to finish. It was funded through Kickstarter and has some great things going for it: decent art, good voice acting, and nine romantic options. It’s open-minded about same-sex relationships, and was created with the belief that consent is key to healthy romantic encounters. Continue reading

Fade_Travel_Map

“Leliana Sings Forever,” Kaylan’s Dragon Age Epic Part 3

Previously: Kaylan’s Dragon Age Epic Part 1, Part 2

Leliana is batshit, but that is pretty entertaining. She’s like the easiest ex to get along with.

foreverrrrrrrrrr

— Man she has been singing for like, ever. Stop it. This is a really long song. It was for real three minutes… What… No… Why?

I made popcorn while you sang.

GAH why won’t Alistair sleep with me. I’ve done like 50 makeouts.

GOT IT DONE! Laid and yet still not tied down quite yet, ha

Leliana and I had a lovely conversation about how much we both love shoes!  Continue reading

Herren?!! Is that you?

wtf, Herren

When Kaylan started playing Dragon Age through from the beginning, her steady stream of updates via text message made me want to replay the whole saga from the beginning, too. So I did! Or I am, rather; I’m still far from finished.

Taking a break from the main quest, I played the Darkspawn Chronicles DLC, which allows you to play as a darkspawn in an alternate timeline in which your Warden didn’t survive the Joining ritual and the darkspawn succeed in overtaking Ferelden. When I first played Dragon Age: Origins, I avoided the Darkspawn Chronicles because I thought it would be too depressing to slaughter my way through my buddies from the main game. But playing it now, I realized that it only takes about five minutes to acclimate to the darkspawn mindset and hugely enjoy razing your way through Denerim, wreaking havoc upon the unprepared populace. “HAHA, take THAT, Bann Teagan! Oghren and Zevran DOWN, YES!! Oh, I need to kill 9 more innocent civilians to get an extra achievement? Don’t mind if I do! Get back over here, frightened elf! Need ta kill ya real fast! DIE WYNNE DIE!!”

Playing as a Shriek is the best. SO much fun.

And then something really interesting happened. Remember Wade and Herren, the old-married vibing armorer and merchant who supply you with the very best armor in the game? These guys:

Herren & Wade

Continue reading

Tali on Rannoch

Tali Broke My Heart and Ruined Romance Forever

farewell, cruel world

Playing through the Mass Effect trilogy for the first time, I avoided any and all spoilers and was determined to puzzle my way through the roleplaying by getting into character.

I spent ages, far too long really, winning Tali over in the hopes that she would become my video game wife and we’d have adorable masked kids. I played my cards perfectly, she was opening up and getting closer to me. She would be mine!

We go to her home planet, a wasteland really, and on the cliffs overlooking her desolate home she turns to me and starts to take off her mask. “Yes,” I said breathlessly, “you have my heart.”

Then the camera cut to an over-the-shoulder shot behind her, looking at me, so I never saw her face. And she then jumped to her fucking death.

Not only will I die alone irl but I can even drive virtual women to suicide to escape me. WAAAAAHHHHH

For the first time in my pitiful, shallow life I didn’t care what was under the mask. Lesson learned.

Tali broke my heart and ruined all romance, virtual and real, for me forever.

I WATCHED HER JUMP OFF OF A CLIFF BECAUSE SHE DIDNT WANT TO BE WITH ME

[Ed. note: Or maybe, Ry, it’s a good idea to try to prevent your love interest’s race from getting genocided by the geth if you want the relationship to last. Just a thought.]

[Ed. note 2: Sorry for your heartache, but I will never ever stop laughing at your tales of video game romance gone wrong. Please tell all of them to me forever.]

 

Ryan Robotnik is unlucky in love.

thanks, Kaylan

“These Elves Look Cool,” Kaylan’s Dragon Age Epic Part 2

Previously: Kaylan’s Dragon Age Epic Part 1

old tree dude

A Conversation with My Brother, Drew:

K: “I’m an elf!”

D: “You look like Morrigan’s mom”

K: :( “My hair is pretty, not stringy… Anyhow I am a elf!”

D: “Dalish?”

K: “No I’m a city elf. I lived in the city, I’ve never met one of those [Dalish elves].”

D: “Why would you do that?!”

K: “What? Why wouldn’t I? Anyhow I think I’m going to go see the Dalish first and see what the hubbub is about… Also, I saved a dog’s life and he loves me now!”

D: “Good choice I went there first too. Also I started out with a dog and saved your dog just out of kindness cause I already had a dog.”

K: ^what

Fin.


Continue reading

toats awesome brah

Love and Portraits

Please forgive the mushiness, dudes, and pass this one up if you’re not in the mood for some extremely self-indulgent gooeyness, ’cause I’m about to dive in headfirst.

Today is my seven-year anniversary of togetherness with this guy:

no country for old spiderman

No, not Spiderman, but the dude who’s wearing the suit. This guy:

dance magic dance

He doesn’t always wear such tight pants, but when he doesn’t, he gives me lap dances to make up for it.

lap daaaaaance, hey

He’s great and I love him a lot. The most, actually.

The thing about double artsy-fartsy people relationships, if you’re us, anyway, is that you make a lot of images/objects/stuff influenced by or directly about each other. When we first got together, he used to make drawings and paintings of me, or on me, all the time. Here are a couple of ’em: Continue reading