Category Archives: Video Games

How to Get Your Own Sir Pounce-a-Lot in Time for Halloween

DAO_Kitten_-_gift

Sir Pounce-a-Lot, Ferelden’s king of the cats.

I was 3/4 of the way through Dragon Age: Awakening when I got a frantic text from Jennifer Culp. “GO BACK AND START FROM THE BEGINNING. I DON’T CARE HOW FAR YOU ARE. JUST DO IT.”

I responded with something glib like, “LOL NOPE.” But soon I understood that I’d made a huge mistake. By releasing Anders and denying him entrance to the Grey Wardens, which I didn’t think was a huge deal at the time I did it, I had lost Sir Pounce-a-Lot. Within four hours of realizing this mistake, I decided I did want to start over.

And so back to the beginning I went.

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Party on, Vorcha

I can’t say too much about the Citadel DLC for Mass Effect 3, or I might give important things away to my compadre Jennifer Culp, who hasn’t finished it yet. The DLC is FULL of fun, lighthearted, even sentimental moments (in addition to the action). But I do have to share a gif of one of my favorite things in the history of Mass Effect. I present to you, “Party Vorcha.”

party vorcha

Talkin’ ’bout Tales

Recently I have been playing a lot of the Tales Series, because I am overly excited for the 20th anniversary …. even if it won’t be out stateside until summer of 2015. What do I mean by “a lot”? My dreams are now animated. I keep trying to force people into conversations about something they could care less about by bringing up things to tie it all back to Tales.

See Below for Example:

1

I mean, Troy Baker gets the ladies going.

I mean, Troy Baker gets the ladies going.

Through the replays (and first time go-round of Vesperia) I have discovered a few things:

My favorite character is always the person who befriends you… then betrays you… who eventually rights their wrongs and befriends you again. It’s to the point where if I like a character, I know they’re eventually going to break my heart…until they woo me back with their atonement. What is wrong with me that I am all about the emotional roller-coaster? Nothing. That shit is never boring.

No he doesn't Colette, HE IS PERFECT. Look at that flaming hair and super high collar, y'all are just ridiculously overly friendly.

No he doesn’t Colette, HE IS PERFECT. Look at that flaming hair and super high collar, y’all are just ridiculously overly friendly.

Turns out I talk to everyone. [Ed.: What a surprise.  you, KayKay.] Literally everyone, in every town, anytime I see them. Sometimes multiple times because I forgot I talked to them this go-round. Why? Because the NPCs are funny.

Like this catfishing asshole. Enjoy your meal, ruiner of lives.

Like this catfishing asshole. Enjoy your meal, ruiner of lives.

When I played Tales of Xillia I should have chosen Milla instead of Jude the first time around, because her story is better. When I realized this, I also found out that I am a jerk. I assumed that the female storyline and play-through would be less fulfilling and lazily done. I was wrong! I am grateful I was wrong, for once.

YOU GET TO CHILL WITH GODS. AND ARE A GOD.

YOU GET TO CHILL WITH GODS. AND ARE A GOD.

In Tales of Xillia 2, if you use your grade to buy Ludger’s English Dub voice during your second play-through… it sounds nothing like what you’d imagined. If you are me, you felt really sexist about assuming he’d be all gruff and gravely, with a slight bit of smolder… but in reality it’s more boyish. Is it weird that I objectify video game characters? Is that weird? Should I care if it is? [Ed.: Naw.  you, KayKay.]

Sorry buddy.

Sorry buddy.

I tend to get super lost. Like on the maps, it doesn’t help that I am directionally dyslexic and will never understand a compass. So I tend to spend hours accidentally grinding monsters because I’m lost and I can’t find the fucking Ymir Forest. Life is hard, guys.

Where the hell was I going? Is this NE? Or just E? W is the L-hand, right? UGGGHHHH!

Where the hell was I going? Is this NE? Or just E? W is the L-hand, right? UGGGHHHH!

Sometimes you have to complete puzzles, which I always forget the solutions to. So I spend a lot of time cussing at my screen.

Uhm… wat? Damn it, and a compass.

Uhm… wat? Damn it, and a compass.

So, much like that deceitful NPC dude catfishing his friend, I just tricked you into letting me go on and on and on about my beloved Tales.

Thank you.

 

Kaaaaaaaaylaaaaaaaaaaan!

I <3 Oghren

oghren

It could be argued that I’m just very partial to dwarves. Gimli is my favorite part of Lord of the Rings, hands down. And don’t even get me talking about The Hobbit or I’ll bore you with all about how Bombur is the best because he has an appreciation of fine cheese.

So, it follows that I love Oghren. He’s disgusting. He drinks too much. He says inappropriate things to the female party members. But when he turned up in Awakening, ready to be a Grey Warden, I squealed audibly. I love that pervert. There is something very reassuring about taking a dwarf warrior with a huge axe into the fray.

<3

L2 Rejection

kaidan_alenko

For some reason it seems to be popular to bag on Kaidan Alenko, Biotic Sentinel and Staff Lieutenant of the SSV Normandy. For the life of me, I can’t understand why.  Dude is tall, dark, and foxy. He can blast enemies around with biotic fields. He’s hard-working, forthright, respectful, and he has the voice of Carth Onasi. C’mon dudes, no brainer! I was never irritated by unwanted advances on Kaidan’s part, because I was busy trying to jump on that from the second we touched down on Eden Prime. When he got a little jealous over my Shep’s friendliness with Liara, I made a face like this:

Mass Effect 2 - Garrus Lovin' 1

I was into. it. And when the time came to choose between saving Kaidan and Ashley when the shit hit the fan on Virmire? Well, Ash, you did a great job protecting that nuclear bomb until it could blow Saren’s geth to hell. Your family would be proud of you. Do I have any regrets? Well…no, because Kaidan turning up at my cabin for some pre-final-mission, chain-of-command-crossing, we-shouldn’t-be-doing-this-buuuut-grab-Shep-with-the-intensity-of-a-reserved-dutiful-dude-unleashing-long-repressed-SEXY-FEELINGS Doin’ It was totally worth it. I was into it. Continue reading

The Most Difficult Video Game Mission EVER

alistairI’ve brought down Frank Fontaine and rescued the Little Sisters of Rapture. I’ve killed all the weird bull forms of Ganondorf and kept Hyrule free from tyranny. I destroyed the Reapers and saved SPACE, for fuck’s sake.

But you know what I can’t do?

YOU KNOW WHAT I CAN’T DO?

I can’t get Alistair to go to Pound Town in Dragon Age: Origins.

Oh, he’ll go to Denerim. He’ll go to Orzammar. He’ll even visit the Village of Haven (that shit hole). But you try to get him to go to the Bone Zone, and Alistair is like, “Titter! Why, fair maiden, I do believe you’re flirting with me.”

Why won’t this fictional man sleep with my fictional woman? I’ve given him, like, a million presents and chatted him up and told him how good-looking he is and showed genuine interest in his life as a poor bastard child. But will he do me the honor of joining me in the Boneyard?

Nope.

You know what would happen if you gave a non-fictional real human man the statue of a demon? He’d say, “That’s pretty cool and stuff, but let’s get BIZAY.” You know why? Because doing it is fun. It’s exercise. It kills the boredom on those cold nights by the campfire after after a day of killing darkspawn.

He wants to wait. TO WAIT! “Until it feels right” apparently. You know what “feels right,” Alistair? DOING THE SEX. I should know. I’ve done it at least five times in my life. And not one of those sex dudes was like, “Maybe talk to me a little bit about Duncan first and give me a shield and I’ll think about it.”

I know…I know. I should respect his wishes. I just wish that his wish was for a good rogering. Or even just a mediocre one. Or making out. Or light fondling. Or heavy fondling. Armor on or off. His choice.

Give it up already, man!

Says Alistair:

Now, if you’ll excuse me I need to go take a cold shower.

(Full disclosure: After I wrote this last night, Alistair and the noble human of my own creation totally did it. My boyfriend came home and said, “Well, DID YOU DO IT?” and then I had to make them do it again so he could see that cheesy ass sex cutscene. VICTORY.)

Five out of five Bethanys are in favor of making the blanket monster whenever possible. 

MIMICS

As it is almost Halloween, I feel it necessary to talk about one of the most evil and surprisingly scary creatures of the video game world. Imagine you are traveling in a dungeon, minding your own business, when you stumble upon a chest. “Hooray, treasure!” you may even exclaim. What could it be? …a potion? A helpful amulet? Equipment upgrade? Perhaps it’s just a bit of currency.

NOPE, IT’S A MIMIC. My favorite of the monster jerks. Lurking in plain sight, I mean, who can pass up a chest? It holds so many possibilities, including sharp teeth!

That one eye and lolled tongue and comically long arms. You’re Silly-Scary.

That one eye and lolled tongue and comically long arms. You’re Silly-Scary.

I JUST WANTED PRESENTS!! I’M SORRY I DISTURBED YOU.

I JUST WANTED PRESENTS!! I’M SORRY I DISTURBED YOU.

Oh, you’re not so bad. ...kinda cute actually.

Oh, you’re not so bad. …kinda cute actually.

Oh god! I AM SO SORRY; I DIDN’T MEAN IT.

Oh god! I AM SO SORRY; I DIDN’T MEAN IT.

WHYYYYYYYYYY……

WHYYYYYYYYYY……

So be wary, fellow adventurers. Not everything is as it seems!

 

Kaylan likes getting loot, not getting her face eaten off.

Your Words Echo Inside Me

It’s almost Halloween! Holy crap! What have you been doing to get in the spirit? Watch anything good, play anything awesome? I normally binge on horror movies, usually cheap and ridiculous things from the 60s and 70s, Hammer Studios and Vincent Price movies, but this year I took a different approach and have been playing various survival horror games.

I also put together a playlist that I’ve been listening to a lot, comprising entirely of Akira Yamaoka’s music to the Silent Hill series and Shadows of the Damned. More specifically, the playlist is honed down largely to his collaborations with Joe Romersa and Mary Elizabeth McGlynn. The songs they make together are what really stand out in the Silent Hill games, and I’ve been trying to figure out why and put it in words in a remotely satisfying manner. This is maybe…my fourth attempt? Bear with me. Their songs give a real sense of melancholy and heartbreak that add so much to the atmosphere of the series, and yet the way they’re catchy, almost radio friendly, is not at all what you’d expect to hear in a horror video game. Think about the song “You’re Not Here” playing when you first load up Silent Hill 3, the first game I played in the series. That’s a damn catchy song, I love singing along to it, but it’s such a different tone from the game’s imagery, isn’t it? How does it work when it seems like it shouldn’t?

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