Kaylan’s Mass Effect Diary Part 3: Heartbreak and Dino-Man Love

Part 1, Part 2, Part In-Between

I AM SO SORRY! LET ME EXPLAIN!

So what had happened was… I may have forgotten to update as I played Mass Effect because I never really stopped playing. I collected my crew, saved the Council from the geth, blew up Sovereign, and sacrificed space racist Ashley. All this accomplishment from my boyfriend’s perspective? “Is all you do in this game get in a car [the Mako] and get stuck on rocks?” (I’m a really good driver.)

ugh, what are you, a traffic cop?
ugh what are you, a traffic cop?

I discovered Ol’ Whatshisface was named Kaidan, and I was all about him. We flirted some, talked seriously about saving the universe, and threw around so many innuendos. Before our last mission we got down and dirty, all the while hoping this wouldn’t be our last adventure. Luckily, we saved the day and survived.

WHY IS YOUR BROW SO SWEATY?! No one else has this problem.
WHY IS YOUR BROW SO SWEATY?! No one else has this problem.

And then I started ME2, or as my boyfriend called it, “So…what you’re telling me is you are trying to have sex with a dinosaur?”

Two and I had problems we had to work through. Mainly the control change. In the first Mass Effect game L2 was aim and R2 was fire. NOW L1 is aim, R2 fire, and L2 and R2 bring up awful wheels.

I DIED SO MUCH, GUYS.

Eventually I got the hang of it. SO, ME2 begins with the Normandy crashing and Joker being thrown around like a rag doll and myself dying. DO NOT WORRY this organization called Cerberus (not an ominous name at all) rebuilt me. Yes. REBUILT ME. I become the bionic woman and eventually find Joker who, for having such brittle bones, WAS FINE. I’ve been in a coma for two years, find out everything I had accomplished has been torn apart and dismissed. Awesome. Oh and I DO NOT KNOW WHERE MY FRIENDS ARE. I slowly find them and either recruit or have emotional moments with them.

THIS WAS HAPPINESS
THIS WAS HAPPINESS

I was finding friends, meeting new people, but through all of this I wasn’t finding Kaidan. I found myself flirting with Garrus, but feeling a bit guilty. I flirted with Kelly Chambers. I felt sad wondering if I could find Kaidan in this big ol’ galaxy. I was experiencing all these new things! Where the fuck was he.

space hamster

In Mass Effect 2 you have even more lives depending on you. WHY IS THE HAMSTER SELF-SUSTAINING BUT I GOTTA FEED THE FISH??
In Mass Effect 2 you have even more lives depending on you.
WHY IS THE HAMSTER SELF-SUSTAINING BUT I GOTTA FEED THE FISH??

Eventually I see Kaidan as I’m flying to Horizon. I watch as the colonists suffer through a harvest. I battle my way through Collectors, blasting through to save him. I find Kaidan.

AND HE FUCKING BREAKS UP WITH ME. DOES HE CARE THAT I WAS UNCONSCIOUS [technically, dead] FOR TWO YEARS? FUCK NO. WAS HE AN IRRATIONAL DOUCHE? YES. DID HE YELL AT ME? YES. DID HE ASK HOW I FELT? NO.

I was not happy. Heartbroken, I return to the Normandy where Kelly chirps, “You have a message at your private terminal, Commander,” and so I did. Kaidan had emailed… AND IT MADE ME SO ANGRY. I think it was supposed to be heartfelt.

But.

Goddamn, come on Kaidan, that email was riddled with guilt trips and shaming, as well as unnecessarily throwing doctor dates in my face. Ending with a “MAYBE ONE DAY”?!?!

No.

I am no one’s backup.

Instead I threw myself into my work and flirting. Kelly Chambers and I went on a date, after which she offered to feed my fish. Winning! Alas, I dumped her for romancing Garrus and trying to make Mordin my BFF.

SO MANY THINGS HAPPENED. But none. NONE were more important than the conversation I had with Mordin before I went on my suicide mission.

What I took from this tête-à-tête: best excuse not to give a blowie. Just please watch.

Obviously I took Mordin’s sage advice, survived my adorable romantic encounter with Garrus, and proceeded to once again save the galaxy. Though… I lost a crew member. Rest in peace, Thane, you super depressing dude.

I’m in the process of playing ME3 now, or as the boyfriend calls it, “IS THIS THE LONGEST GAME EVER MADE, WILL IT EVER STOP,” or as I call it, “You broke up with me, Kaidan. NO ONE CHEATED ON YOU, LEAVE ME ALONE.”

Spoilers: Garrus and I are very happy together.

   

Stay tuned for Kaylan’s thrilling journey through Mass Effect 3.

4 thoughts on “Kaylan’s Mass Effect Diary Part 3: Heartbreak and Dino-Man Love”

  1. OMG, the beginning to ME2 made me have all the feels. It was so perfectly done. The music, the fade out with the breathing…I was in awe that a game could make me so invested. Also I was pissed that they destroyed my Normandy. Normandy v2 is a sweet ass ship, but I will never get over the loss of v1.

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