Tag Archives: alistair

“We Ended the Blight, Y’all”: Kaylan’s Dragon Age Epic Part 9

Previously: Kaylan’s Dragon Age Epic Part 1Part 2Part 3Part 4Part 5Part 6Part 7, Part 8


Told the nobles the truth about Loghain and asked them to support me.

LOGHAIN THE MONSTER IS DEAD! My family, friends, and comrades are avenged and I allowed Alistair to do the honors. FOR DUNCAN! FOR THE ALIENAGE!!!

Long live Queen Anora!

Checked my codex; learned I need to do my side quests like whoa before I head out. It’s almost the final battle!

The Wynne/Aneirin reunion is so damn sweet. Making Wynne happy makes me happy. Us silver-haired ladies need to stick together. [Ed. note: “silver-haired ladies” being Käylæn and Wynne, not irl Kaylan and Wynne]

off to try and murder Flemeth

OH GOOD GODS SHE IS A DRAGON Continue reading “We Ended the Blight, Y’all”: Kaylan’s Dragon Age Epic Part 9

“This wrangling nugs thing is not so bad,” Kaylan’s Dragon Age Epic Part 6

Previously: Kaylan’s Dragon Age Epic Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5


Went back to the Dalish camp and saved the Halla. 🙂

I saved the Arl, he than made us his CHAMPIONS OF REDCLIFFE! booooyah

Poor Alistair doesn’t want to be a King but everyone is all, “be king, yo!”

Sorry Jowan you’re alive but now forced forever to live in the Tower of Magi. BUT YOU ARE ALIVE

Dwarves settle kingly matters with axes. Continue reading “This wrangling nugs thing is not so bad,” Kaylan’s Dragon Age Epic Part 6

MORRIGAN CAN TURN INTO A BEAR? Kaylan’s Dragon Age Epic Part 5

Previously: Kaylan’s Dragon Age Epic Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4

Wynne now approves of my relationship.

Heading to the Circle Tower to ask the mages to help me, doo da doo da

Gonna save a stupid kid [Connor] from the demon that possesses thee, oh the doo da daaaay

Well that was easy, Irving was super agreeable

aww, found Alistair’s momma’s amulet and he’s acting so damn precious about it. “Is this the part where we start dancing? Because I’m game.” I like yo style

Jowan you are going into the Fade to right your wrongs. You said you wanted to help, so there you go.

I really like the Fade areas.

Killed dem demons. Saved the kid. Gonna have to find an urn [of Sacred Ashes]; asked them to hold off on killing Jowan. Continue reading MORRIGAN CAN TURN INTO A BEAR? Kaylan’s Dragon Age Epic Part 5

“Poor blood mage. I’ll free you!” Kaylan’s Dragon Age Epic Part 4

Previously: Kaylan’s Dragon Age Epic Part 1, Part 2, Part 3

Yup, Jenn was right: this dude [Zevran] has no shame. We have talked once and he’s now offering to sex me up.

Oh god if you agree to a massage he says, “A willing victim presents itself.” Calling me a victim isn’t sexy man, the more you know

Yup I’m gonna commit to Alistair now.

rejection Continue reading “Poor blood mage. I’ll free you!” Kaylan’s Dragon Age Epic Part 4

“Leliana Sings Forever,” Kaylan’s Dragon Age Epic Part 3

Previously: Kaylan’s Dragon Age Epic Part 1, Part 2

Leliana is batshit, but that is pretty entertaining. She’s like the easiest ex to get along with.


— Man she has been singing for like, ever. Stop it. This is a really long song. It was for real three minutes… What… No… Why?

I made popcorn while you sang.

GAH why won’t Alistair sleep with me. I’ve done like 50 makeouts.

GOT IT DONE! Laid and yet still not tied down quite yet, ha

Leliana and I had a lovely conversation about how much we both love shoes!  Continue reading “Leliana Sings Forever,” Kaylan’s Dragon Age Epic Part 3

A Grey Warden is Born: Kaylan’s Dragon Age Epic Begins

As I play Dragon Age Origins, I’ve kept my phone close and put my initial thoughts in my phone’s notepad. Here they are so far:

My name is Käylæn and I am a rogue elf. I like to live in the city…aaaaand I’m being forced to marry a stranger, booyah, off to a great start. From rags to riches here I come!


fuuuuuucccckkkk why did I pick the creepy rapey beginning?? Ffffff, ugh, power through this. Like, I thought this was a synopsis of my past, not that I would play… And like that description said something about a surprise interruption or something ruins my wedding? All I know is nothing in that choose-your-origin blurb said “friends kidnapped,” “friend’s throat slit,” and “oh yeah let’s throw in a part where your friends get raped.”

no no no no

Ughhhhhhhh my traumatized elf will drag herself around to focus on something else. Might as well become a Grey Warden or whatever, anything to forget

DUNCAN DUNCAN DUNCAN LEMME TOUCH YO BEARD! It is so beautiful. Can I romance you, I WANNNA Continue reading A Grey Warden is Born: Kaylan’s Dragon Age Epic Begins

The Countdown to Dragon Age: Inquisition


What are you doing while you wait for the release of Dragon Age: Inquisition? Me? I’m waiting. And waiting. And waiting. I can’t even play other video games because all I want is Dragon Age: Inquisition, and everything else feels like a lame substitution, like when someone says, “Don’t eat that ice cream. Have this cup of plain yogurt instead to satisfy those dessert cravings.” It’s like, “SHUT UP, DOOFUS.” While we wait in the mutual agreement that waiting is a crock, let’s look at this collection of gifs you can use when someone asks you what you’re doing with your time prior to the release of Dragon Age: Inquisition.

Continue reading The Countdown to Dragon Age: Inquisition

The Most Difficult Video Game Mission EVER

alistairI’ve brought down Frank Fontaine and rescued the Little Sisters of Rapture. I’ve killed all the weird bull forms of Ganondorf and kept Hyrule free from tyranny. I destroyed the Reapers and saved SPACE, for fuck’s sake.

But you know what I can’t do?


I can’t get Alistair to go to Pound Town in Dragon Age: Origins.

Oh, he’ll go to Denerim. He’ll go to Orzammar. He’ll even visit the Village of Haven (that shit hole). But you try to get him to go to the Bone Zone, and Alistair is like, “Titter! Why, fair maiden, I do believe you’re flirting with me.”

Why won’t this fictional man sleep with my fictional woman? I’ve given him, like, a million presents and chatted him up and told him how good-looking he is and showed genuine interest in his life as a poor bastard child. But will he do me the honor of joining me in the Boneyard?


You know what would happen if you gave a non-fictional real human man the statue of a demon? He’d say, “That’s pretty cool and stuff, but let’s get BIZAY.” You know why? Because doing it is fun. It’s exercise. It kills the boredom on those cold nights by the campfire after after a day of killing darkspawn.

He wants to wait. TO WAIT! “Until it feels right” apparently. You know what “feels right,” Alistair? DOING THE SEX. I should know. I’ve done it at least five times in my life. And not one of those sex dudes was like, “Maybe talk to me a little bit about Duncan first and give me a shield and I’ll think about it.”

I know…I know. I should respect his wishes. I just wish that his wish was for a good rogering. Or even just a mediocre one. Or making out. Or light fondling. Or heavy fondling. Armor on or off. His choice.

Give it up already, man!

Says Alistair:

Now, if you’ll excuse me I need to go take a cold shower.

(Full disclosure: After I wrote this last night, Alistair and the noble human of my own creation totally did it. My boyfriend came home and said, “Well, DID YOU DO IT?” and then I had to make them do it again so he could see that cheesy ass sex cutscene. VICTORY.)

Five out of five Bethanys are in favor of making the blanket monster whenever possible. 

Girl Talk: Full Deck

If you avidly follow all of my online activities (and if you don’t, what’s wrong with you?) (just kidding!), you probably know that on the last day of every month, The Hairpin publishes a “Girl Talk” post penned by yours truly, in which I discuss the appealing qualities of hot dudes* from video games. And you may have noticed that although yesterday was the last day of February, no Girl Talk post appeared on The Hairpin. Why is that, you might wonder? Is Jennifer sick? Has she lost her interest in hot dudes in video games? 

No, my friends. Fear not! I am taking a break from Girl Talk NOT because I have run out of video game crushes, but because I have now written twelve of them and completed a full deck of cards! Which I will share with you here, in case you want to alter your old Girl Talk: Secret game board and play with ’em. Clickin’ on one of the cards will take you to each individual post, if you’d care to read it at your leisure.


Girl Talk Dante

Girl Talk: Leon

Girl Talk Garrus Continue reading Girl Talk: Full Deck