If you avidly follow all of my online activities (and if you don’t, what’s wrong with you?) (just kidding!), you probably know that on the last day of every month, The Hairpin publishes a “Girl Talk” post penned by yours truly, in which I discuss the appealing qualities of hot dudes* from video games. And you may have noticed that although yesterday was the last day of February, no Girl Talk post appeared on The Hairpin. Why is that, you might wonder? Is Jennifer sick? Has she lost her interest in hot dudes in video games?
No, my friends. Fear not! I am taking a break from Girl Talk NOT because I have run out of video game crushes, but because I have now written twelve of them and completed a full deck of cards! Which I will share with you here, in case you want to alter your old Girl Talk: Secret game board and play with ‘em. Clickin’ on one of the cards will take you to each individual post, if you’d care to read it at your leisure.
Dear Half-Life 2 Diary,
…at least I’m consistent. Just like every time I’ve started a real-life diary, I had great intentions. I was going to write something after every notable event! I was going to record every thought and experience, and save it to give to my imaginary future grandchildren when I’m 80. And just like every time I’ve started a real-life diary, I wrote a detailed first entry, wrote a belated second catch-up entry (complete with apologies for lateness), and then abandoned the project to occasionally remember it later with a twinge of guilt later.
But YOU, Half-Life 2 Diary, will be different! So I didn’t keep up with you. Cry me a river. I’m still going to bring some closure to this thing, chapter by chapter. Including the stuff we’ve already covered! You’re my diary; I can do what I want.
I enjoy harassing the Combine guards before they can do real damage to me. I hate City 17. I can’t figure out where I’m supposed to go. Help me, Gamefaqs! Thank the Combine that’s over with. Heeeey, Alyx! You’re pretty.
“A Red Letter Day”
Suit! Kleiner! Alyx! Barney, quit whining. Where’s that beer you were talking about, anyway? I don’t want to know what happened to the cat. Lamarr is adorable! I want a plush Lamarr. Shit, this isn’t going to end well, is it? A crowbar’s better than a beer anyway, Barney. I still can’t figure out where I’m supposed to go. Stupid trains. Continue reading
*Should be a song, right?
I wrote about Alyx Vance for this month’s Girl Talk on The Hairpin. NO LIE, when I mentioned it to my brother Joe, he got a dreamy look in his eye and—with no prompting whatsoever from me—said, “She’s so capable.”
Secret to near-universal adoration? Be a nonchalant badass at every difficult activity you undertake, and look good in jeans while doing so.
Dear Half-Life 2 Diary, sorry I’ve neglected you. I meant to keep you updated whenever I played, but when I have some time and my choices are “play more Half-Life 2″ or “sit down and write about playing Half-Life 2,” well, you’re second priority. I know that’s hard to hear, Half-Life 2 Diary, but I’m confident that you’ll forgive me.
When we last left off, I was still waiting to shoot some headcrab zombies. Man…that was a while back. Anyway, I did! And it was great! And I remember thinking that headcrabs, on their own, are weirdly adorable. Their little noises! The way they hop around and scuttle! If they weren’t trying to latch onto my face and turn me into a zombie, I’d just wanna give one a cuddle.
Then some nice people gave me an Airboat. I was dubious, being historically inept at vehicular sections of shooting games. (RIP, Marines I killed with the Warthog.) But, I had a vehicle! And it was almost a holiday. It seemed like a good time to pour a glass of bourbon in celebration, so I did, and then I took a big swig of it, and then I took off down the river. Continue reading
Whaddup, Bethany? I’m finally playing!
And now I remember why I kept quitting while I was still in or just finished with City 17 before: I SUCK AT GETTING OUT OF THE CITY. Orienting myself in video game geography is just not my strong point. And figuring out where I need to go? In a chase situation with no weapons? Ha! Hahaha. So I took to the internet and it told me where I needed to run. Thanks, GameFAQs! You’re a doll. Good things about the city? Well, I took every opportunity to hassle the guard dudes before they could do any real damage to me. IN YOUR FACE, asshole who knocked that can on the ground!
Heeeey, Alyx! You look cool. I like your jacket. Maybe you will enlighten me as to what the hell is going on around here? No? Oh well, I still like you. Lamarr! You’re so cute! How do you de-beak a headcrab, anyway? Where do headcrabs come from? What the hell is going on around here? Alyx, you don’t seem too concerned about jumping into this experimental transporter thingy. Wait, WHAT happened to the cat? Why does no one tell me anything? Barney, you’re kind of a dope. Well, looks like that worked. Here I go! NO, LAMARR! DON’T ESCAPE! How will you get by without your beak?! Well, crap. OK, Barney, I revised my opinion of you slightly since you gave me a crowbar. A weapon! Now we’re talking. I had to look at GameFAQs again to figure out where the hell I was supposed to go on that railroad, but I am damn good at slaughtering my way through these Combine cop guys. PISTOL! This is fun! Continue reading
Half-Life 2 is so super awesome, it makes my face melt. So, when I finished playing it recently (and Episodes 1 and 2), I promptly went back and played through the whole thing again just because I wanted to relive the entire experience.
But I’m not telling you anything you don’t already know. You played through it ages ago and are already aware that Half-Life 2 is the best. But, just between us, you know who doesn’t? My friend Jennifer Culp. SHHHHH! Just be cool. Don’t let on that we’re talking about her. Continue reading