Tag Archives: bioware

Video Games and Me: A Personal Gaming/DA:O Retrospective

Adorable_Al

Video games have pretty much always been a part of my life. My father was a computer programmer and we have had a computer in my house for as long as I can remember. I started out playing some of those “edutainment” games, learning as few DOS commands as necessary to start them up. I have hazy memories of time spent with the Sesame Street characters of Letter-Go-Round, which was originally published before I was even born.

At some point in early grade school my brother and I got a Super Nintendo for Christmas, and I promptly forgot all that DOS knowledge I’d acquired. While my parents said it was for us to share (always a great idea with kids who don’t particularly get along, amirite?), even then I knew it was really for my brother. And sometimes for my parents. I remember them staying up until all hours of the night with their friends and family playing Hal’s Hole in One Golf. It puzzled me then and puzzles me now, but man, they loved that game.

But how could the systems and games we had be for me? All the characters you controlled in the games we had on that SNES, and the many more to come, were men: Mario, Yoshi, Donkey Kong & Diddy Kong, Link, Mega Man, Cloud, Banjo, and even Kirby, who manages to be male even while existing as an anthropomorphized balloon thing. Girls were in the games as objects to be rescued, to scream and be pretty prizes. Perhaps you could occasionally play them as side characters, and sometimes they even showed up as bad ass NPCs in their own right, but they were never the player character in my experience. Continue reading Video Games and Me: A Personal Gaming/DA:O Retrospective

Kaylan’s Mass Effect Diary Part 4: The End

Kaylan Plays Mass Effect: Part 1, Part 2, Part In-Between, Part 3, Part Ugh

sad garrus is sad

And all good things must come to an end… (until replay, anyway)

We saved the Citadel from Reaper attack, rescued the Council, worked with Cerberus, befriended the Geth, united the races, and even had a party on shore leave (that got a little out of hand). We accomplished so much together! The end has come upon us; we’ve lost friends along the way. I beat Kai Leng to death with my bare hands in vengeance. I refused to waste a thermal clip on him.

And now we’ve made our way to Earth. Here are my thoughts on saying goodbye to everyone, in raw form: Continue reading Kaylan’s Mass Effect Diary Part 4: The End

Kaylan Plays Mass Effect: Ugh

Kaylan Plays Mass Effect: Part 1, Part 2, Part In-Between, Part 3

You know what’s super terrible? Bad houseguests. You can’t say it isn’t. If you have no idea what I mean, you are a lucky soul. And you know who is the worst houseguest? James Vega.

He’s fucking horrible.

He invites himself over through email, and you feel obligated to oblige ’cause he thinks you’re best friends with nicknames. “You look like a Lola… That’s your new name.” Weirdo. When he gets in your home he gets waaay too interested your partner’s genitalia and steps over many boundaries. After this super uncomfortable chat, he proceeds to take off his shirt and show you his jailhouse tattoo. Great. Thanks. Ugh. NO ONE ASKED YOU TO UNDRESS. ESPECIALLY AFTER YOU ASKED ABOUT MY TURIAN BOYFRIEND’S JUNK.

nekkid vega
no, dude

He says he’s going home. Once his shirt has returned. But it’s a lie. It’s a goddamn lie. That horrible houseguest is running through your home like a candy-cracked toddler and he’s in your home gym touching all your stuff.

Then the WORST is he heckles you into beating his pull-up record. Because. Of course. Ugh. Oh, that’s not so ba… Oh. 181 is… So 182… Of button pressing… A button press for every pull-up… Oh

Fuck you James Vega. Yeah, I beat your stupid bullshit record. But ugh why won’t you leave my house after. WHY DID I HAVE TO CALL A FRIEND OVER SO YOU WOULD FINALLY LEAVE.

James Vega: worst houseguest.

Kaylan’s Mass Effect Diary Part 3: Heartbreak and Dino-Man Love

Part 1, Part 2, Part In-Between

I AM SO SORRY! LET ME EXPLAIN!

So what had happened was… I may have forgotten to update as I played Mass Effect because I never really stopped playing. I collected my crew, saved the Council from the geth, blew up Sovereign, and sacrificed space racist Ashley. All this accomplishment from my boyfriend’s perspective? “Is all you do in this game get in a car [the Mako] and get stuck on rocks?” (I’m a really good driver.)

ugh, what are you, a traffic cop?
ugh what are you, a traffic cop?

Continue reading Kaylan’s Mass Effect Diary Part 3: Heartbreak and Dino-Man Love

Mass Effect: Observations

Three isolated observations from Kaylan following the publication of Kaylan’s Mass Effect Diary: Part 2. (Start from the beginning here!)

These two Krogan are having the worst day ever.
They just discovered there are no fish in the Citadel lakes.
Left Krogans is so heartbroken and now he just wants a pet fish.
Right Krogans wishes we would quit talking about fish.

Mass Effect: where disagreements about fish are important.

photo (2)

********

Dear Thane,

Sorry I didn’t succeed in gaining your loyalty. (Because I zoned out and let your son kill that dude.) Sorry you died on the base with the creepy Reaper skeleton fetus. But thanks for helping all the rest of us live. Maybe now that you’re reunited with your wife you abandoned in death you can stop being so depressing. Sorry I didn’t visit you much in your life support area, you kept bringing me down like whoa. Rest now.

– Kaylan K. Shepard

sad thane

********

Dear Kaiden [sic],

Stop looking at me like that. You’re being creepy.

P.S. Garrus is better than you

– Kaylan K. Shepard

P.P.S. STAHP, srsly

Kaidan_ME3_Character_Shot

   

   

Kaylan K. Shepard got excited and launched into Mass Effect 2 immediately. Look for the next chapter of her Mass Effect Diary later today.

Faded

Fade_Travel_Map

Haha, so last week I was all, “THE TRIUMPHANT RETURN OF GAMERVESCENT!!” and then the very next day was more like, “hold that thought, I am so sick, please leave me to die in peace.” And since I also stopped drinking coffee last week (it made me feel even more dehydrated than I did to start with, which was, very), I spent a lot of time sleeping. A LOT. Kaylan texted me when she was suffering from a major bout of insomnia and had stayed up all night teaching herself iMovie to make me an insane/hilarious photo+song montage detailing the progression of her relationship with Kaidan Alenko throughout the Mass Effect trilogy. I responded from bed and  politely neglected to mention that I had just slept for approximately 15 hours straight and could easily go for more. (Say your goodbyes, everybody, I am SO ready for Uthenera.) Continue reading Faded

Dragon Age Inquisition Is So Gay Friendly That IT’S ALIENATING STRAIGHT PEOPLE

lemongrab

STOP THE PRESSES.

I was going through the comments on Gamervescent, as I tend to do on a Monday night, and deleting all the ones offering me great deals on “fendi peekaboo” or “parajumpers sale.” And I came across one comment on our recent post about Dragon Age Inquisition hairstyles. This comment told me some things. BIG THINGS. Things I’d never thought about before.

Continue reading Dragon Age Inquisition Is So Gay Friendly That IT’S ALIENATING STRAIGHT PEOPLE

Maker Bless Dat Ass: Cullen Stanton Rutherford and the Female Gaze

Screen Shot 2014-12-19 at 1.22.54 PM

Earlier this week I had a girls night with one of my closest, straightest female friends. And like most times she and I are hanging out in a private-ish space stocked with a copious amount of wine, the conversation eventually turned to men—men in general and the ones we call our own in particular—how gorgeous they are, how stunningly, unwittingly sexually attractive men are, just ambling about their day-to-day business without a clue of the things we’re thinking about them.

Women know. All women know, on a very basic level, that other people see us as sex objects. It’s all around us, all the time; it’s embedded, more or less overtly, in nearly every message our society sends us. And that’s the problem there, is that it’s in every message, that it’s expected to be our primary purpose, regardless of whatever else we may be or may be doing. That sucks, and isn’t okay, and is another subject for a whole lot of better writing elsewhere. In an appropriate context, however, it’s pretty great: being willingly, consensually sexually objectified is a helluva lot of fun. And objectifying someone else in service of your own satisfaction? That’s a head trip and a half, and it’s a pleasure that most of us rarely get a chance to enjoy in the media provided for our entertainment. Sitting in my seat at the movies, I’ve gotta get my pants-buzz watching Jason Statham just happen to look the way he looks while he’s pretending to murder nameless bad guys; it’s unlikely that there will be a scene showing him strip down solely for the purpose of titillating people like me. That’s been changing recently, however, and Maker bless BioWare, nobody does a better job of catering to (or trying to cater to, at least) everybody’s desires. Continue reading Maker Bless Dat Ass: Cullen Stanton Rutherford and the Female Gaze

OMG OMG Nug Alert (AKA The Best Thing Ever)

Nug
Nugs, not drugs. (Or nugs AND drugs. Just be careful.)

SPOILER. Don’t look at the images below if you don’t want your face to explode from the cutest thing that ever happened in Thedas.

I’m warning you.

I’m serious.

Hold on to your face.

Here goes.

I PRESENT TO YOU BATTLE NUG.

He’s a nug. With a saddle. You can ride him.

battle nug

Look at his face.

I SAID LOOK AT IT.

battle nug front