Tag Archives: gamervescent

“Asari Look Like Asari”: A Very Thorough Rebuttal

Guys, what a day. What a red-letter day!

Bethany and I have been neglecting G-vesc for the last few months because: busy with other stuff. Today, August 20, happens to be my lovely Leo co-editor’s birthday, and today I happen to have some free time, so I decided to log in and catch the site up with some of the awesome stuff we’ve had piling up for a while now in observance of Bethany Day. Since I installed a spam blocker our comment moderation duties have lightened considerably, and there was only one comment waiting for approval.

Friends, what a comment it was. What a comment it IS.

Remember when I wrote this joke post about what Asari look like to each other? (Probably not. That’s okay! You should look at it if you want to see Steve Buscemi eyes Photoshopped onto Liara, though.) Seven days ago, on the 13th of August 2015, an intrepid internet explorer stumbled across that post and took umbrage with my speculation that an Asari might possibly appear to resemble a blue-skinned Jason Momoa. “Nay,” he* thought, “I must take to the comments section and inform the author of this post of all my speculations regarding Asari phenotype and genitalia (and I have spent a good bit of time thinking about this!).” And in just under 700 words he* did so, resulting in the most amazing comment that has ever appeared in this website’s “pending” folder.

I’m not going to approve it to appear under the post, lol, because this is my website and I can do what I want to, but I have preserved its glory in two screenshots and will now publish it here for your enjoyment. Happiest of birthdays, Bethany! Continue reading “Asari Look Like Asari”: A Very Thorough Rebuttal

Today We Give Thanks

ocarina party

Bethany is thankful for:


Brett is thankful for:

  • Nintendo – I bought a Wii U in March. A month or so later, so did one of my best friends. Then our other best friend bought one when he came in from Korea for the summer. We reunited with an old friend from school last weekend, crammed into my room, playing Smash Bros and Mario Kart while reminiscing. I haven’t really gotten excited for games in a long time, only buying one or two things a year for a while now, but the Wii U really reinvigorated me, and I’m so happy that my closest friends own one too so that we can all play and laugh with one another, even if one of us is currently in another country. And if we aren’t playing together, we’re usually sending obscene messages to each other in the Miiverse. Nothing says friendship like crudely drawn penises, right?
  • Anita Sarkeesian – For making awesome feminist video critiques. Also, thanks to loudmouths who hate her for making it very clear to me that I should avoid you. It’s good to know up-front you’re an asshole that I shouldn’t bother with, saves me so much time and energy.
  • Bethany and Jennifer – For being totally cool with letting an idiot like me contribute to such a great gaming site with my inane rambling! [Eds. Note: Awww! ♥♥]


Hannah (who is currently in Korea visiting family) is thankful for:

  • Portable games, such as Nintendo 3DS series and mobile games. My airline and train travels are not boring anymore!


Jennifer is thankful for:

  • Bethany Bryan and her twisted amazing hilarious brain and her beautiful bottomless heart. Y’all know Bethany is the reason this website still exists, right? When I grew too weary of shouldering the burden on my own and nearly abandoned it, Bethany trekked out to find G-vesc and me lying lost and almost dead in the wasteland and carried us back out again (true story!!). If you enjoy reading Gamervescent, you should send her a card, or at least a Facebook wall post of naked Alistair. [Bethany Note: This seriously made me a little teary. You’re too much.]
  • …and the rest of these jokers who contributed to this post and contribute regularly to this site. Luv u guysss, you are the best people who exist, seriously.
  • And also the best person who does not (yet!) contribute to this site, my wonderful friend who works at GameStop and made sure my guy and I got a Deluxe Edition of Dragon Age Inquisition even though we didn’t pre-order it. That’s love, man.
  • The vastly improved make-out physics in Dragon Age Inquisition’s romance cutscenes in comparison to those of previous DA games, dang!
  • Troy Baker’s vocal cords.
  • Admiral David Anderson’s never not hilarious workout plan.
  • Jake Muller’s henley.
  • Geometry Wars.
  • The Riot Gun.
  • Ghost Grant Collier, who watches over us all.
  • Photoshop, god bless it.


Joe is thankful for:

  • blocks that spit out mushrooms
  • the Tanooki Suit
  • bananas
  • barrels
  • Lon Lon Milk
  • Adam Jensen’s dialogue in Deus Ex
  • Dagoth Ur and the Sixth House
  • that there are two Warthogs accessible in the beach level of Halo: Combat Evolved
  • the eternal challenge of Trials HD
  • the wrench of BioShock
  • the combat tonics that improve wrench combat in BioShock
  • the way Mario does flip jumps in the Tanooki Suit if you get a star


Justin is thankful for:

  • that my birthday is so close to Thanksgiving I get a new game EVERY TIME
  • [relevant to the above:] Bizarre Creations’ newest Geometry Wars 3!!! I LOVED the first two in the series and now in 3D? Let’s do this!
  • Light bridges. When traveling becomes a bore, run across a bridge of pure light and try to complain – can’t. lightbridge
  • Yoshi plush toys. Because… this: yoshis
  • Dragon Age Inquisition’s in-depth character creation! I have never been able to make a believable Asian character until the new DA came along with its healthy number of toggles and swatches! Yeah, Haeinous has whitish-blue hair and more face tats in DA than she does in real life, but still. THIS IS AMAZING! IMG_1350


Kaylan is thankful for:

  • My boyfriend being patient with me whenever a new game I am super into is released.
  • My poppa bear always asking what games I’m into now (even though I know he has no idea what I am talking about).
  • That my friends understand how angry I get with multiplayer gaming and don’t bother me to join them.
  • Those who keep creating amazing flash games that have deeper meaning and challenge my thinking.
  • I am thankful for Gamervescent allowing me to geek out all over the place, as well as learning more about my friends and what gaming means to them. So thank you, loves! [Eds.: Awww, again! ♥♥♥]
  • Happy Turkey Day!


Laura is thankful for:

  • Cooperative games, because I love playing with my friends. My favourite evening is a Mario Party evening.
  • Having enought money to play World of Warcraft every month. It is such a great game.
  • I am thankful for the new versions of old games. Especially the Legend of Zelda games! Does anyone really have enough space for all the old consoles and the old games?
  • The rainy days. They are the perfect excuse for a gaming day. We don’t have many of those in Madrid, so that makes it much more special.
  • I am thankful for portable consoles. I used to have a Game Boy and it was huge, heavy, and the battery was shitty, so I couldn’t really play outside with it for a long time. Now I travel a lot and the Nintendo 3DS is perfect even for a 6-hour trip.
  • Finally, I am so thankful for those who make walkthroughs of difficult games and share them online. You guys are heroes.


And we are ALL thankful for you wonderful weirdos who visit this site! Have a great Thanksgiving, dudes.

Welcome to Our Spam Comment Gallery

I always feel a little guilty, marking comments in our feed as spam. Some spammer worked really hard on that blurb, typing it up, running it through Google Translate, and then copying the result and pasting it into a comment box. Therefore, I read each and every one, carefully assessing its attributes and trying to decide how to respond. Today, I’m stepping away from video games talk to share a gallery of exactly .0003% of the spam we receive and have to delete on a daily basis.

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What is your Chinese zodiac sign? I was born in the year of the Goat or Sheep or goat.

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The best type of spam is the kind where the spammer tries to slyly make his or her comment sound relevant to the discussion. Try this “high quality in the cellphone” idk it’s kewl or whatever.

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Pssssst. I had a tinge of complexion once. I used some cream, and it cleared right up.

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I’m actually disappointed that Al Kazeem is a racehorse and this isn’t someone’s short story about a proud family of centaurs who are creating their own fashion line for Urban Outfitters.

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Has anyone checked on Suri Cruise today? I think this person is trying to sell her.

Eczema ugg outlet


accomplishments distinctiveness

One day, when I am accepting an important and prestigious award, I’m just going to quote this verbatim.

during the school holidays

“Kids, gather around. Grandpa is going to show you his belt, and then we’ll sing Fendi college belt carols.”

mike burke racecar

Mike Burke, are you listening back there? I said that racecar spelled backwardzzzzz is racecar. There will be a test on this.

my spouse and i

This is sad if you read it as a comment that Marie Curie left on an article about radium.

office sweater

Indiana Jones and the Search for an Office Sweater That Is Not Too Hot

platform shoes

“What are platform shoes, granddad?” “Well, Rebecca…”

sharon kelly

Just let it out, Sharon. Feel your feelings.

praise her body

Anthony looked into Vanessa’s eyes and finally uttered the words she had been needing to hear for the six months of their whirlwind relationship. “Vagina perfect. Love how your vagina responds to my touch. Be careful with choice of words. 3.” And Vanessa knew that she and Anthony would be together forever.


HEY, LISTEN! Want to Write for Gamervescent?

hey listen

We know that you have opinions on games. We want to hear them. Why not send them our way so that EVERYONE can hear them?

Some things you should know:

1. You don’t have to be a professional writer, just a person who loves video games. (Or is just in a “friends with benefits” situation with video games.)

2. All gaming skill levels are welcome. Even if you just watched someone play a video game once and have something interesting to say about it, we want to see your pitch.

3. It can be an essay about how you got into gaming, your opinion on a game (current, retro, tabletop), photos of gaming-related arts and crafts you made, humor pieces, videos, or something we haven’t even thought of yet! As long as it’s entertaining, we want to see it.

4. Keep it under 1,500 words.

5. If your  piece includes pictures, make sure they’re good quality. The higher resolution available, the better; we rarely stick an image smaller than 400px wide in a post. DON’T steal images from other lil’-blogs-that-could sitesif you use images from the Internet, make sure they’re widely available. Taking your own screengrabs is great! And illustrating your own ideas in pictorial formholy shit, that might be even better.

6. If you have a question about anything, ask!

7. Most importantly… Be cool. No “why biology dictates that men are better at video games than women” pitches or videos of you dressing a toddler as a koopa shell and throwing him into traffic. No bigoted language; we don’t roll like that.

Send us your pitches at submissions@gamervescent.com. Give us a few days to get back to you. Listen to our apologies as we explain to you that we can’t pay you in anything but love and heart emojis and personal blog promotion at this point.

This site exists because we like playing games and we really like having oddball conversations about games with our friends. We don’t care if you haven’t played the latest AAA game released last midnight yet. We think you’re cool even if you really suck at driving or shooting or jumping on mushrooms in games. We want to hear why you poured hours into leveling all your attributes to 100 for a chance to fight the Ebony Warrior in Skyrim. We want to laugh about the way Luigi gains airtime by flailing his legs when he jumps in Mario 2. We want to argue over who’s the hottest video game dude of all time (Dante NO Brynjolf NO Garrus NOPE Leon Scott Kennedy DEFINITELY). We want to hear your summary of the plot of Final Fantasy XIII as you understand it from hearing your significant other play in the next room. We want to read about the secret room you discovered in Donkey Kong 64, and the way playing Zelda games impacted your childhood, and how you made a life-long friend in WoW. We want to decorate My Little Pony dolls to make them look like BioShock Infinite characters. We want to see pictures of your pets’ best cosplays.

We don’t tolerate assholes ’round these parts.

If you’re interested in contributing to Gamervescent, hit us up! submissions@gamervescent.com

With our powers combined…

Hey squidoos, hope you’re well! Got some very exciting news for you! The lovely and amazing Bethany Bryan is joining me as co-editor of Gamervescent, and together we shall be STRONGER THAN EVER BEFORE!!

It happened something like this: One day we were just standing around doing nothing in a boring gray world, and then Bethany had an idea.

Hey Jenn



And Jenn asked her to become co-editor of the site so they could bring more wonderful weird gaming-related media to the masses, and then they lived happily ever after.

Check back later today for cool stuff!

Get Your Game Face On! Shadows of the…Damn it, it’s Paula! RUN!!

Truly, not even exaggerating (as much as usual)—being chased by Paula in Shadows of the Damned scares me more than anything I have ever encountered in a video game to date. So OF COURSE I want to make my face look like hers. Watch to achieve the perfect look for jumping out of a dark closet and alarming your nearest and dearest:

Continue reading Get Your Game Face On! Shadows of the…Damn it, it’s Paula! RUN!!

Get Your Game Face On! The Great Fairy

I’mm’a teach you how to attract little stray fairies to your person wherever you go, so you can capture them in bottles and keep them there until you’re almost dead! (Yeah, yeah, I borrowed the makeup from the Great Fairy of Power in Ocarina of Time, but it’ll work if you unfortunately find yourself in Termina trying to stop the Moon from obliterating everything, too. Maybe even better!)

More casual Great Fairy steez achievable using damp shadows applied with an eyeliner brush, crazyface optional: Continue reading Get Your Game Face On! The Great Fairy