Tag Archives: mass effect 3

Tali Broke My Heart and Ruined Romance Forever

farewell, cruel world

Playing through the Mass Effect trilogy for the first time, I avoided any and all spoilers and was determined to puzzle my way through the roleplaying by getting into character.

I spent ages, far too long really, winning Tali over in the hopes that she would become my video game wife and we’d have adorable masked kids. I played my cards perfectly, she was opening up and getting closer to me. She would be mine!

We go to her home planet, a wasteland really, and on the cliffs overlooking her desolate home she turns to me and starts to take off her mask. “Yes,” I said breathlessly, “you have my heart.”

Then the camera cut to an over-the-shoulder shot behind her, looking at me, so I never saw her face. And she then jumped to her fucking death.

Not only will I die alone irl but I can even drive virtual women to suicide to escape me. WAAAAAHHHHH

For the first time in my pitiful, shallow life I didn’t care what was under the mask. Lesson learned.

Tali broke my heart and ruined all romance, virtual and real, for me forever.


[Ed. note: Or maybe, Ry, it’s a good idea to try to prevent your love interest’s race from getting genocided by the geth if you want the relationship to last. Just a thought.]

[Ed. note 2: Sorry for your heartache, but I will never ever stop laughing at your tales of video game romance gone wrong. Please tell all of them to me forever.]


Ryan Robotnik is unlucky in love.

Kaylan’s Mass Effect Diary Part 4: The End

Kaylan Plays Mass Effect: Part 1, Part 2, Part In-Between, Part 3, Part Ugh

sad garrus is sad

And all good things must come to an end… (until replay, anyway)

We saved the Citadel from Reaper attack, rescued the Council, worked with Cerberus, befriended the Geth, united the races, and even had a party on shore leave (that got a little out of hand). We accomplished so much together! The end has come upon us; we’ve lost friends along the way. I beat Kai Leng to death with my bare hands in vengeance. I refused to waste a thermal clip on him.

And now we’ve made our way to Earth. Here are my thoughts on saying goodbye to everyone, in raw form: Continue reading Kaylan’s Mass Effect Diary Part 4: The End

Kaylan Plays Mass Effect: Ugh

Kaylan Plays Mass Effect: Part 1, Part 2, Part In-Between, Part 3

You know what’s super terrible? Bad houseguests. You can’t say it isn’t. If you have no idea what I mean, you are a lucky soul. And you know who is the worst houseguest? James Vega.

He’s fucking horrible.

He invites himself over through email, and you feel obligated to oblige ’cause he thinks you’re best friends with nicknames. “You look like a Lola… That’s your new name.” Weirdo. When he gets in your home he gets waaay too interested your partner’s genitalia and steps over many boundaries. After this super uncomfortable chat, he proceeds to take off his shirt and show you his jailhouse tattoo. Great. Thanks. Ugh. NO ONE ASKED YOU TO UNDRESS. ESPECIALLY AFTER YOU ASKED ABOUT MY TURIAN BOYFRIEND’S JUNK.

nekkid vega
no, dude

He says he’s going home. Once his shirt has returned. But it’s a lie. It’s a goddamn lie. That horrible houseguest is running through your home like a candy-cracked toddler and he’s in your home gym touching all your stuff.

Then the WORST is he heckles you into beating his pull-up record. Because. Of course. Ugh. Oh, that’s not so ba… Oh. 181 is… So 182… Of button pressing… A button press for every pull-up… Oh

Fuck you James Vega. Yeah, I beat your stupid bullshit record. But ugh why won’t you leave my house after. WHY DID I HAVE TO CALL A FRIEND OVER SO YOU WOULD FINALLY LEAVE.

James Vega: worst houseguest.

Kaylan’s Mass Effect Diary Part 3: Heartbreak and Dino-Man Love

Part 1, Part 2, Part In-Between


So what had happened was… I may have forgotten to update as I played Mass Effect because I never really stopped playing. I collected my crew, saved the Council from the geth, blew up Sovereign, and sacrificed space racist Ashley. All this accomplishment from my boyfriend’s perspective? “Is all you do in this game get in a car [the Mako] and get stuck on rocks?” (I’m a really good driver.)

ugh, what are you, a traffic cop?
ugh what are you, a traffic cop?

Continue reading Kaylan’s Mass Effect Diary Part 3: Heartbreak and Dino-Man Love

A Cell Phone and the search for Leviathan

The time has come, the time is now: the return of CELL PHONE PHOTOS OF MASS EFFECT is happening!!! And I ain’t even sorry for the Insta-spam, nice people who follow me on IG; James Vega looks better than I’ve ever seen him in cell-phone-pic-of-a-TV-screen close-up.

Allow me to present a very blue soap opera in photos entitled:

Joely Shepard and the Shiny Orbs, or,

What Jennifer Saw in the Mass Effect 3 Leviathan DLC

Screen Shot 2014-11-10 at 2.42.18 PM

Screen Shot 2014-11-10 at 2.42.01 PMScreen Shot 2014-11-10 at 2.41.50 PM Continue reading A Cell Phone and the search for Leviathan

Party on, Vorcha

I can’t say too much about the Citadel DLC for Mass Effect 3, or I might give important things away to my compadre Jennifer Culp, who hasn’t finished it yet. The DLC is FULL of fun, lighthearted, even sentimental moments (in addition to the action). But I do have to share a gif of one of my favorite things in the history of Mass Effect. I present to you, “Party Vorcha.”

party vorcha

L2 Rejection


For some reason it seems to be popular to bag on Kaidan Alenko, Biotic Sentinel and Staff Lieutenant of the SSV Normandy. For the life of me, I can’t understand why.  Dude is tall, dark, and foxy. He can blast enemies around with biotic fields. He’s hard-working, forthright, respectful, and he has the voice of Carth Onasi. C’mon dudes, no brainer! I was never irritated by unwanted advances on Kaidan’s part, because I was busy trying to jump on that from the second we touched down on Eden Prime. When he got a little jealous over my Shep’s friendliness with Liara, I made a face like this:

Mass Effect 2 - Garrus Lovin' 1

I was into. it. And when the time came to choose between saving Kaidan and Ashley when the shit hit the fan on Virmire? Well, Ash, you did a great job protecting that nuclear bomb until it could blow Saren’s geth to hell. Your family would be proud of you. Do I have any regrets? Well…no, because Kaidan turning up at my cabin for some pre-final-mission, chain-of-command-crossing, we-shouldn’t-be-doing-this-buuuut-grab-Shep-with-the-intensity-of-a-reserved-dutiful-dude-unleashing-long-repressed-SEXY-FEELINGS Doin’ It was totally worth it. I was into it. Continue reading L2 Rejection

Refugees Taking Up Too Much Space on the Citadel

If you’re a fan of Men Taking Up Too Much Space on the Train and Mass Effect 3, you’ll love my new blog idea called “Refugees Taking Up Too Much Space on the Citadel.” I know! Aliens are so rude.

Let’s check out some of the latest culprits, shall we?

Just look at this Batarian. What has four eyes and doesn’t give up seats for pregnant ladies? THIS GUY.

batarian jerk
Total jerk.

And how about these asari? They’re taking up five seats all by themselves! Oh, your home planet is overrun by Reapers? Poor you. Maybe think about somebody besides yourselves next time. Your moms didn’t raise you to force the elderly to stand during their entire visit to the Citadel holding area for refugees.

asari jerks
Shepard gives the side-eye to some jerks.

And this Turian! Are you saving that other seat for someone or can a lady carrying all these shopping bags sit down already?

turian jerk
What’s in those suitcases anyway? All your dead relatives from Palaven?

Shepard Standing Too Close to People: A Study

One of the things I enjoy most about video games is making the characters do awkward things and recording it terribly on my camera phone. This is the latest, from Mass Effect 3.

shepard close 1
What are you guys talking about? Anything good?
shepard close 2
Can I have a turn next? Do I get a turn? I’m next.
shepard close 3
What’s going on out there? Some kind of sports competition?
shepard close 4
(whispers) Your butt is hanging out of those pants. Did you know?
shepard close 5
Are you going to be off the phone soon?
shepard close 6
Is that Randy? Tell him I said hi………………………….Did you tell him?