I get very shouty when I play Zelda games. Probably because, let’s face it, Link is a frustrating guy. Especially when he jumps weird and falls into a chasm or blows himself up LIKE A COMPLETE IDIOT. So here’s my list of insults to use when Link is being a bonehead. Shout them at your discretion.
1. Wind Wanker
2. Link to My Ass
3. Ocarina of the Time I Said OMG NO GRAB THE BLOCK NOT CLIMB ON TOP OF IT
4. Dork Link
5. Majora’s CAN’T YOU RUN ANY [MASK]ER?
6. What are you doing? WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
7. NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO
8. I guess SOMEBODY likes being on fire
9. Fine. I’m saving it here so that you can be on fire until I decide to come back NEXT WEEK. See how you like that.
I have been sitting here, staring at this picture, for a solid fifteen minutes, trying to come up with the right words to even begin to describe my feelings for the Great Fairy. I’ve intended to write a piece about the Great Fairy (c. Ocarina of Time) since the dawn of Gamervescent, but have shied away from doing so for all this time because I just don’t know if I’m capable of expressing it adequately in words.
My feelings about the Great Fairy are best expressed by a face I only make in response to truly amazing things. It looks like this:
I made it once when I ran into a man dressed as El Mariachi at a Halloween party. I made it when I received a perfect girly-tailored version of the leather jacket Leon Scott Kennedy wears in Resident Evil 4 for Christmas. And when I think of the Great Fairy, well…
Imagine that face, plus this laugh, on a permanent loop, and that begins to approximate the feeling of glee that overwhelms me whenever I think about the Great Fairy.
Gaming is often the way that people deal with depression. I know because I’ve done it. Sometimes I’ll realize I’ve done nothing but submerge myself in a video game for an entire day (or several days). I look around and think, “Wow, I haven’t even been in my own life today.” And it’s a good and bad feeling because I feel guilty for the escapism, but happy that it was blocking me from dealing with everything else.
I can’t let today go by without mentioning Robin Williams. He was a gamer, like us. He loved Ocarina of Time and Half-Life 2 and Call of Duty. This morning I realized that he’s never going to know if Half-Life 3 ever happens, and that made me profoundly sad.
Take some time today and read his Reddit AMA here. And this article at Kotaku. And then maybe go play some games for our fallen comrade.
I’mm’a teach you how to attract little stray fairies to your person wherever you go, so you can capture them in bottles and keep them there until you’re almost dead! (Yeah, yeah, I borrowed the makeup from the Great Fairy of Power in Ocarina of Time, but it’ll work if you unfortunately find yourself in Termina trying to stop the Moon from obliterating everything, too. Maybe even better!)
Any game featuring chainsaw enemies, but especially Resident Evil 4.
Chainsaws are just scary objects to begin with. They look scary, they sound scary, and once you’ve seen your character brutally beheaded with one of the things, they seem much, much worse. It’s been seven years since I first played Resident Evil 4, and I still jump at the sound of a chainsaw revving.
2. Dreamrunners and Drekavacs
DmC: Devil May Cry
I just played DmC. It’s full of nasty-looking demons. Some of ’em even wield chainsaws! I quickly became desensitized to grotesque baddies and felt fairly blasé about combo-ing my way through hordes of them…until this guy popped up. Silent mask wearers who stare at you and tilt their heads like a bird are creepy. Silent mask wearers who stare at you, tilt their heads like a bird and then charge at you with two swords are downright terrifying. The Dreamrunner’s more badass counterpart, the Drekavac, amps up the scare factor by wearing a shiny red mask with small leaky-lookin’ holes in the eye sockets. *shudder* Continue reading Seven Scares→
My gaming life started when I was 23. I had just moved home to live with my parents again after spending a year of trying and failing to find a job after college. I spent most of my time in my bedroom, listening to old records and crying about the giant dump that fate had taken on my life. It was the most wrist-slitting two years of my life ever, in case you were wondering or maybe collect depressing anecdotes.
We had never been a gaming household. If you grew up in the late 1980s and early 1990s, you know that there were two factions of parents during that time: those who were pro-gaming and those who were pro-homework. My parents were pro-homework. My mom swore that we would NEVER, EVER have a Nintendo system in our house no matter how much we cried and begged. Period. Continue reading In Which I Battle Unemployment and Ganondorf→