Tag Archives: video games

Lifeless Planet: Not Even a Little Bit Funny


Lifeless is a funny word.

Obviously not in the context of a loved one floating facedown in a swimming pool.

Or crumpled at the bottom of a mansion staircase.

Or lying  in a hospital bed wearing a vacant expression as the beeps of the heart monitor grow more….and more…… f a r  a p a r t …until finally…BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP….and the doctor enters the room and says, “I’m calling it. Time of death: 4:53 PM. I’m really sorry, Mr. Johnson, but he’s gone.”

Continue reading Lifeless Planet: Not Even a Little Bit Funny

Love and Portraits

Please forgive the mushiness, dudes, and pass this one up if you’re not in the mood for some extremely self-indulgent gooeyness, ’cause I’m about to dive in headfirst.

Today is my seven-year anniversary of togetherness with this guy:

no country for old spiderman

No, not Spiderman, but the dude who’s wearing the suit. This guy:

dance magic dance

He doesn’t always wear such tight pants, but when he doesn’t, he gives me lap dances to make up for it.

lap daaaaaance, hey

He’s great and I love him a lot. The most, actually.

The thing about double artsy-fartsy people relationships, if you’re us, anyway, is that you make a lot of images/objects/stuff influenced by or directly about each other. When we first got together, he used to make drawings and paintings of me, or on me, all the time. Here are a couple of ’em: Continue reading Love and Portraits

Let’s Get It On: Hatoful Boyfriend Style


Congratulations! You are the only human (and apparently only female) who gets to attend St. Pigeonation’s illustrious academy for sentient pigeons as its human ambassador. Here you will meet 9 eligible bird-bachelors just waiting for you to woo them and find your soul mate…or are they?

Hatoful Boyfriend is a short dating sim that starts out as a fun, fluffy little game. It’s quirky and doesn’t take itself too seriously, as you can tell by the fact it’s a dating sim wherein you romance PIGEONS. You play as Hiyoko Tosaka (name can be changed to protect her identity) who is a simple, warm-hearted, and unpretentious hunter-gatherer. Per the stereotypes of your average school dating sim, you are starting your first day of the new school year, and everyone you meet just happens to be a hot anime guy…ahem, I mean, bird. Sorry, I get confused because I opted to use the “powerful visualization model” so I got to see the human souls behind all the birds. Continue reading Let’s Get It On: Hatoful Boyfriend Style

Maker Bless Dat Ass: Cullen Stanton Rutherford and the Female Gaze

Screen Shot 2014-12-19 at 1.22.54 PM

Earlier this week I had a girls night with one of my closest, straightest female friends. And like most times she and I are hanging out in a private-ish space stocked with a copious amount of wine, the conversation eventually turned to men—men in general and the ones we call our own in particular—how gorgeous they are, how stunningly, unwittingly sexually attractive men are, just ambling about their day-to-day business without a clue of the things we’re thinking about them.

Women know. All women know, on a very basic level, that other people see us as sex objects. It’s all around us, all the time; it’s embedded, more or less overtly, in nearly every message our society sends us. And that’s the problem there, is that it’s in every message, that it’s expected to be our primary purpose, regardless of whatever else we may be or may be doing. That sucks, and isn’t okay, and is another subject for a whole lot of better writing elsewhere. In an appropriate context, however, it’s pretty great: being willingly, consensually sexually objectified is a helluva lot of fun. And objectifying someone else in service of your own satisfaction? That’s a head trip and a half, and it’s a pleasure that most of us rarely get a chance to enjoy in the media provided for our entertainment. Sitting in my seat at the movies, I’ve gotta get my pants-buzz watching Jason Statham just happen to look the way he looks while he’s pretending to murder nameless bad guys; it’s unlikely that there will be a scene showing him strip down solely for the purpose of titillating people like me. That’s been changing recently, however, and Maker bless BioWare, nobody does a better job of catering to (or trying to cater to, at least) everybody’s desires. Continue reading Maker Bless Dat Ass: Cullen Stanton Rutherford and the Female Gaze

Dragon Age Inquisition Is Just Cheese and Skeletons

I went looking around the Internet today to see if anyone else wanted to talk about how in Thedas everyone just walks around on skeletons like it ain’t no thang. I mean, characters have entire conversations in rooms with PILES of corpses in them. Can you not take that conversation next door where there aren’t any dead bodies? There’s a man who literally burned to death RIGHT THERE. His mouth is open. Did you not notice? OK.

It was during this search that I happened upon this important article about cheese and the tragic end of one individual.

Going farther into the wormhole I’ve opened, did you know that if you Google “skeleton Thedas,” you’ll get a bunch of pictures of silent film star Theda Bara and skeletons? You will. I’ll be back tomorrow with more thoughts on Dragon Age Inquisition, which has basically become my life.

theda skeleton

Speaking of…


Since today is the day to talk about nakedness and Dragon Age Inquisition on Gamervescent, I am going to perform a noble public service announcement and inform you that:

IF you find Vivienne to be the most fabulous character ever to grace a video game and

IF you find Dorian to be charming and dashing and handsome and totally bone-able to a semi-disturbing level and

IF you enjoy looking at really hot real-life people and

IF you really enjoy looking at really hot real-life people get naked and simulate sex acts in high-quality feature films and

IF you would like to watch the really, r.e.a.l.l.y. hot people who provide the voices for Vivienne and Dorian be hot and naked and simulate hot naked sex in a high-quality feature film,

you should go watch Kama Sutra: A Tale of Love, posthaste.

kama sutra

I know, it sounds like a tawdry Skinemax flick, but it is directed by Mira Nair and it is GORGEOUS and it is majorly feminist and it features really, really good-looking people doing sexy things in beautiful locations and then it ends TRAGICALLY and rips your ENTIRE HEART OUT and will make you CRY, so…legit good movie. Unless you don’t don’t want to cry over the pain of the hot people, then turn it off when things start getting (too) depressing.

/end mind-blowing voice acting information public service announcement

The Naked Inquisitor

I am playing Dragon Age Inquisition on the Xbox 360. My first character is an Elf Rogue Archer named Yuna. She was originally named Velyuna, but after remaking her twice due to makeup fuck-ups that bothered me once the game actually began, I decided she was the type of person who would drop the first syllable of her given name and just go by Yuna.

Yuna has medium brown hair, lovely green face tattoos, perfectly shaped ears and a retroussé nose and Alix Wilton Regan’s voice. She is earnest but often sarcastic and, much like her creator, has a weakness for handsome human men. Yuna is really good at shooting things with a bow and arrow. And Yuna hates wearing clothes.Screen Shot 2014-12-03 at 2.33.30 PM

Continue reading The Naked Inquisitor