Bethany and I are breaking our Dragon Age Inquisition-playing silence to discuss a very important (i.e., slightly irritating/extremely hilarious) matter: the women’s hairstyle options available in character creation for Dragon Age Inquisition.
JENN: [aside to Bethany before we begin:] I think I fucked up. I accidentally created a character whose facial features somehow managed to make some of these haircuts appear slightly less heinous than they actually are, somehow, and I feel that she does not manage to do justice to their true ugliness. She resembles my friend Liz when viewed from the front, if Liz got a face tattoo and went kind of goth. But, BYGONES.
BETHANY: I was just thinking she looked like my friend Liz. ARE THEY THE SAME PERSON FROM PARALLEL UNIVERSES??
JENN: So, this is the style it started her out with. It’s a little basic, but I find it generally unobjectionable. The exposed ear is a nice touch.
BETHANY: This is the haircut I get when I want to look like a TV anchor mage.
BETHANY: Cut my hair like Christina Ricci in Monster, O Barber of Thedas.
JENN: And now we’re bald! Low-maintenance, I guess. Um, Liz has a very nicely shaped skull?
BETHANY: Yul Brynner called from the grave. He said necromancy is on the rise and also he wants his hairdo back.
BETHANY: LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE.
BETHANY: I’m going to climb to the top of that haircut and have a look around.
JENN: It’s just a crime. I mean:
JENN: WHAT. THE. FUCK.
BETHANY: She should seriously reconsider the length of her sideburns.
BETHANY: Tobias Funke. Lead actor.
JENN: And this one…those bangs… Do mirrors exist in Thedas? Aside from magic elf ones people travel through/die in? I feel like Liz’s face says everything there is to say about those bangs.
BETHANY: This happened to me once. It wasn’t funny.
JENN: I am surprised that, of all the available hairstyles, this one looks kind of garbage on Liz here. It was by far the best choice for my Elf Archer. So I can’t hate, even though Liz looks like she’s been transported to dubstep hell and wants to cry.
BETHANY: This also happened to me once. Is someone monitoring all of my old haircuts?
BETHANY: This haircut looks you in the eye while it tongue kisses your sister.
JENN: I finished uploading all of the hairstyles to this post, then counted to make sure I had the same number as are offered in-game. There are 28 hairstyles available in Dragon Age Inquisition. I had screenshots of 27 hairstyles loaded in this post. For the life of me, I could not figure out which one was missing. Finally, after three times cycling through all the styles and comparing photos, I realized it was this one. So, that’s what I think of it, apparently.
BETHANY: You know who parts it in the middle? SERIAL KILLERS.
JENN: Oh god, and now I know how I’m going to die. Because serial killers who part their hair in the middle are invisible to me.
JENN: This is—maybe kind of pixieish cute? Or maybe more irritatingly-precocious-9-year-old-boy-with-always-artfully-disheveled-hair. Maybe in blonde?
JENN: And now our Herald fronts a K-pop boyband when she’s not leading the Inquisition.
JENN: This is post-breakup hair. Sad and greasy.
JENN: Look! Here’s where she had an identity crisis and bleached it, but can’t be bothered to wash or style it because, heartbreak:
JENN: Oh no!! Now her hair turned snow white overnight from breakup stress!
BETHANY: I just feel SO sorry for her.
JENN: Okay I’m done now, promise.
BETHANY: Get it? Because she looks like a Nazi.
JENN: WHO DID THIS TO YOU, LIZ???
BETHANY: It’s not even a cute bun.
JENN: Business bun. Bizness bun. Bun of steel. Yeah, def not cute.
JENN: This is giving me terrible flashbacks of attending high school proms in the early 2000s, when every single one of us looked like human cocker spaniels with two unfortunate ringlets of hair framing the sides of our faces.
BETHANY: Growing out your bangs is hard, girlfriend.
JENN: I thought I was down with this until she turned to the side and I saw the receding hairline.
BETHANY: If Hugo Weaving were a hairstyle.
BETHANY: I regret letting my mother do my prom hair. There, I said it.
JENN: Is that braided up into a bow? I never go with the braided updos; too Protestant-on-the-prairie for me. Maybe that’s what your mom was going for with your prom hair?
JENN: I feel like this game is really trying to push baldness on us.
JENN: But here, Liz found a clever workaround by coloring hair on her head with a Sharpie marker. Too bad she missed that little spot on top.
BETHANY: Maybe we can cover it with a little scratch-and-sniff sticker.
BETHANY: Ah, the same haircut we’ve seen three times but with the hairline less receded.
JENN: No, this is not a double post. This is a brand-new different hairstyle, offered as a different option than the shaved head pictured immediately above. For those times when you want alllllmost the exact same close-shaved-just-joined-a-monastery hairstyle, but with a taller, rounder skull.
BETHANY: Honestly, we’re just cycling through all of Robert De Niro’s haircuts from the 70s.
JENN: I could get behind this, on the right Inquisitor. Does the other female voice option sound way more butch than Alix Wilton Regan? Like, this chicky looks like—in a crossover universe BioWare madness mash-up—someone Samantha Traynor would want to hop in a shower with.
JENN: Again, this is not a duplicate post. This is a whole ‘nother shaved-head option. I just double-checked.
BETHANY: Jude Law before hair plugs.
BETHANY: Jude Law after hair plugs.
JENN: I think the top of her skull is a tiny bit pointier in the other shaved-mohawk option. Aaaaaaand, those are our options! Damn. This is tragic. The stylists of Thedas need to get their game straightened out.
BETHANY: Fifth Blight? Your hairdo is the Fifth Blight.